Good Bye Normie

About 15 years ago, in my junior year of high school, our family adopted a Vietnamese Pot Belly Pig. Well, WE didn’t, my step father did. I had heard about this pig being at the animal shelter in one of my classes. So, I casually mentioned it in conversation with my step dad that afternoon. He left the house shortly after. About an hour later he came home with this year old grunting black pig. He was scared and SCARY!! Let’s just say he was not the loving cuddly creatures you sometimes read about. He would ram our legs with his head and grunt most ominously. Many of our friends were afraid of him, though really he could do no harm.

We named him Norman. I actually had the privilege of naming him and did so after George Wendt’s character on Cheers. For some reason our local paper had heard of the news and did a story on Norman. Pig lives in city home as pet – for some strange reason that was newsworthy. So, for the rest of the semester my economics teacher referred to me as ‘pig girl’. That was fun.

Though Normie had his rough exterior (both figuratively and literally) he did manage to grunt his way into our hearts. He slept in my parent’s closet on a bed made of blankets. He would spend his days roaming and sleeping (mostly sleeping) about the yard. He loved to eat apples (and probably anything else you may drop at your feet). He lived a good life.

Yesterday, Norman had to leave us. He was euthanized due to his deteriorating health. There will be a void in our hearts and in my parent’s home. The Norman Era has ended. And though we all know it was the best decision for him, we still feel a great sadness and loss.

Bye bye Normie. Now you can eat all the apples you want and sleep in the warm sunshine of eternity. We will miss you.

Constitutional Ban on Gay Marriage

On November 7th Wisconsin voters will have the opportunity to vote for this constitutional ban:

"Only a marriage between one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state. A legal status identical or substantially similar to that of marriage for unmarried individuals shall not be valid or recognized in this state."

In my perspective I cannot even fathom the idea that in the year 2006 we even have to address something like this. I cannot believe that there are people that exist that actually are bothered and want to fight against love and marriage. In a world full of hate, war, divorce, and anger...people chose to stand against THIS? The divorce rate among heterosexual couples is more than 50%. You think WE have expert advice to give on the topic?

You may think "what is the big deal"..."marriage is just a piece of paper anyway"...

Being married is more than just a piece of paper. Legal unions give couple's rights that they are otherwise not entitled. If one were to fall ill and they needed someone to speak for their medical rights and wishes, their partner would not be allowed to do so under current law. Not to mention insurance benefits. We all must realize the strain there is on society with uninsured and underinsured citizens. Marriage gives spouses insurance opportunities they wouldn't have without marriage.

Do you realize that it was not long ago that there were laws against a white person marring a black person? Today, that sounds ludicrous, doesn't it? This is no different.

People want to argue this topic on the grounds of morality. People argue that sexual preference is not comparable to gender or race. I beg to differ. I have heard someone argue, “A black person cannot stop being black, but a gay person can stop being gay.” I do not believe this to be true. A homosexual person may be able to live a life unauthentic ally due to the strains that society weighs upon them, but that does not mean they are no longer homosexual. Just because you cannot physically see who a person is doesn’t make it less true. You cannot visually recognize a person’s religion, but that doesn’t mean that religious discrimination doesn’t exist. What you CAN always see, however, is that they are simply human. Please, treat them as such.

Please urge your friends and family members to not only VOTE, but vote for what is right. Everyone deserves the same benefits, rights, and responsibilities in our society. Our laws and constitution need to reflect that.

Please visit the following site and sign their petition:
http://www.fairwisconsin.com/index.html

Removing the Mask

Our masks that protect us
Our armor that shields
These walls of comfort
To others just yields

How can they care
If they never see the real you
How can they love
If they never really knew

We hide in fear
Cowering in corners
We beg for understanding
But live like mourners

Some masks heavy
Almost like stone
Others are clear
And loosely sewn

What mask do you carry
Exhaustingly upon your face
How solid is the wall
Around your space

Perhaps it is time to take a peek
At a life without the veil
See what is really out there
Sans the weight, you may just sail

Lift it gently, put it in a box
Give your thanks, say goodbye
Let the world see the real you
And no longer live a lie

Okay, I am Committed...Or I SHOULD Be Committed..

I just finished filling my weekly medication container. You know the kind...the plastic with the flip top lids for each day of the week...I am sure you have seen one at your 85 year old grandmother's house. Anyway, I just filled mine for the next 7 days. Starting tomorrow I am taking my new heart medication. I was suppose to start a week ago, but have been procrastinating big time. I am so terrified about taking this new medication. I honestly have a fear that I can die from this switch. Why? Why am I so paranoid? Why do I have to catastrophize every little medical thing in my life? Okay...so here is what I am afraid could happen...

1. Die

2. Go into a scary arrythmia and have to go to ER to be converted

3. Have more tachycardia and palpitations (that the med won't work as well as the one I am on now)

4. Heightened anxiety (have already been told this is quite likely)

5. That I will gain weight


Okay. Those are my fears. I need to TRY to be more positive. Say things like

1. You will feel so much better on this new med

2. You will be able to breathe easier

3. You will have a ton more energy

4. You will be able to exercise more

5. You will lose weight easier

6. You will have less palpitations

7. You will not notice any change in anxiety


So, why are those harder for me to accept?? Ugghhh..I really annoy myself.

If I live, I will let you know how it goes. If I don't well, love ya miss ya.

United 93 - A Review

This weekend I saw the film United 93. Prior to seeing the movie I had looked up some reviews on the internet. Within different forums, I have found that many people feel that this story, along with the entire 9/11 tragedy, a conspiracy created by our own government. I was shocked as I have never heard these accusations before. I was also surprised at how many people seem to believe this. My review of the movie is not going to try to debate any political beliefs. I am not going to ponder, in this blog, the relevance of a possible conspiracy nor defend the ludicracy of the speculation. I am simply going to tell you how I felt about the film itself.

The movie was shot in a documentary fashion, a lot of camera movement. The actors were not big shot Hollywood types. In fact, I only recognized two ‘extras’ from older TV shows. The acting itself was very real. There was stuttering, mumbling, and what I consider to be real life dialogue (which is rarely seen in a typically movie). This made the movie very realistic to me. I felt as though I was there, which was a very emotional experience for me. I almost physically got sick twice, I was anxious, cried through out the movie at different parts, my throat tightened, and after the film I was shaken and exhausted.

With my sensitive tendencies, this movie was actual work to watch. But I am glad I saw it. I thought it was very well acted, edited, and directed. I felt it was done with the best of intentions. So many emotions filtered through me during the movie. Deep sadness, anxiety, pride, faith, empathy…I believe this film should be seen by all simply for these emotions. I feel that our society lacks humanity in its purist forms and perhaps we need stories, movies, events like this to shock us back into what and who we are suppose to be…people; people with kindness and compassion, people without constant apathy and distain.

For those who argue that validity of this film, for those who think it is far from factual and even go as far to say it is a lie, I say it isn’t about that. I say maybe there is a deeper purpose for this film and films alike. I felt that purpose. And still feel it. I suggest you feel it too.

Killing Ourselves with Protection?

It is becoming more and more apparent to me that the numbers of people with allergies are increasing significantly in the past several years. I being one of them. I developed hay fever in my early twenties. Excessive sneezing, congestion, trouble breathing through my nose, terrible sinus headaches are some of my symptoms. Last year, I finally bit the bullet and visited an allergist. I now take Zyrtec and Nasacort. My symptoms have virtually disappeared.

This past week I have noticed that my 19 month old daughter has unfortunately taken on my malady. Same times of year. Same symptoms. But on a small child, they seem so exaggerated. My daughter has been home with me since she was born. I only just started bringing her to a daycare in the past 2 months for a few hours a week for socialization development. Other than that, she hasn’t had much exposure to other children and their ‘cooties’. I am certainly not a germaphobe, and I am not constantly disinfecting everything. But I think that her lack of exposure may play a part in why allergies are affecting her at such a young age.

Seasonal allergy symptoms are basically our body’s reacting to elements in the environment that are not in themselves harmful. But because our immune system finds them to be inhaled strangers, it releases histamine to fight the off the strangers. And the histamine causes inflammation which is what causes many of the symptoms.

When I was a kid, we played outside from morning to night. We never had antibacterial soap, hand wipes, or sanitizing gel. We sat in contaminated grocery carts, we ate off the tables in restaurants, and sat on public toilet seats. All of these things are quite foreign to children today. We, as a society, are constantly cleaning, sanitizing, disinfecting…all of our products are antibacterial…and everyone is immunized and given antibiotics for everything that can or does ail us.

I sincerely feel that this over protection is weakening our immune systems. And I think it could actually be what kills the human race in the long run. If we react to these actions with allergies, I have to wonder what other problems we are creating or giving more power to with all of this armor. Cancers? Asthma? Lactose intolerance? I wonder if we didn’t avoid illness and discomfort to the extent that we do, especially with our children, perhaps they would be stronger to fight off the bigger, more dangerous illnesses to come. I wonder if exposure to chicken pox, colds, and mumps may actually make us stronger individually and as a civilization.

Just something I am thinking about. I have immunized my daughter for everything her Dr. suggested. I gave her antibiotics twice for ear infections. And I even keep her home when she has the sniffles. But I do have to wonder, am I really doing her and society a favor? Something to think about.

Are All Men This...This...This...UUGGHH!!!

Last night the baby went to bed around 8pm. She woke up crying and screaming at about 10pm. I tried to persuade Charlie into going in there to check on her, but he was seemingly sleeping through all the yelps and whines, or at least pretending to. I slithered out of bed having just fallen asleep myself and went into her room. The only apparent problem was a stuffy nose. I gave her some water and tucked her back in. As I lay back down, the screaming returned in a much louder and frantic fashion. This time I was able to rouse Charlie. He went in there and sternly garbled, “Back to bed right now, Cassidy!” And then he came back to bed, falling asleep immediately. Well, she had other plans. She continued her opposition until 1:30am. I tried everything. We even ended up taking a bath at 1am thinking that would help her congestion, as minor as it seemed to me. That was a big mistake. She was even more awake and proceeded to run around the house demanding Rollie Ollie (her favorite tv show) and climbing in and out of our bed.

Somehow through about 95% of the yelling, crying, screaming, pounding, water splashing, etc…Charlie remained asleep. And I am talking mouth open, drool running, fast asleep.

Finally, somehow…I think I was sleep walking so the details are fuzzy…she did end up going back to sleep between 1:30 and 2am. As I slide back into bed, sore and tired as can be, the cats start racing through the house. Back and forth, banging into things, they were causing quite a loud ruckus. They were chasing a mouse. What mouse comes into a clean home adorning two cats at 2am? Apparently they are not all as witty and astute as Mickey.

As I leaned over to see what they were doing, debating on saving the mouse from my darling predators, my husband slurs the following words to me. These words I will never forget. These words are the reason we will never have a gun in the home. These words WILL make him pay.

In a very annoyed tone, “Heather, I really need to get some sleep, just lay down.”

Needless to say, at this early morning hour…I am a force to reckon with. And let the heavens watch over this man tonight as I stand above his sleeping head with a pillow.

Another Day...Another Worry

I swear, I will never be normal. I am just a problem child to the core. I went to see my family doctor today because of some discomforts and concerns I have been having in the recent past. What, you ask? Alright, stop begging, I will tell you. It seems lately that I tire very easily with very minimal exertion. My heart will pound, my head will spin, I will be short of breath, and I will get unusually hot.

I take a medication referred to as a beta blocker. This is for a fast heart rate and palpitations. And while it works quite well for that, it also makes me quite tired and now may be causing this shortness of breath as it can bring about exercise induced asthma.

My doctor believes this is the problem, the medication that is. But to eliminate any possibility of heart problems because of my family history (my father had open heart surgery in his 30s), I have to take what is called a Stress Echocardiogram Test on Tuesday. This basically has me freaking out especially since I cannot take my medication that morning before the test and I have to go alone. From what I understand, I will be hooked up to machines that can monitor my heart in several ways. Then I will have to run on a treadmill for about 20 minutes as it progressively gets more difficult. This is pretty much how I imagine hell to be.

If the test comes back normal – please cross your fingers – then my doctor wants to switch my medication. No big deal you may be thinking. Well, for me, it is. It is extremely difficult for me to take a new prescription. I have great anxiety every time I have to do it. But in this case it is even worse. The possible side effects can actually be very serious. And the new medication could make my problem worse instead of better. I will also have to go through several weeks of adjustments trying to find the right dosage.

Needless to say, I am a nervous wreck. I am so afraid. And not just of one outcome, I fear all the possible outcomes!! I fear that damn test from hell. I fear being there alone and having a heart attack right there on the treadmill. I fear them finding a serious heart problem. I fear having some horrible asthma attack because my big butt cannot run for more than a minute – if that. I fear having to change medications. I fear I will never ever again feel healthy, happy, and normal.

I just need someone to put their arms around me and assure me that all will be fine. Assure me that my heart is young, healthy, and strong. Assure me that I will live until I am 100. Assure me that this will only improve my life and I will live happily ever after. Can you do that for me? Can anyone out there do that for me? Am I really asking so much?

Anyway. I am done bitching…for now.

Exhausting Vigilance - Dealing with Health Anxiety

My pulse is about 73. Temperature is 97.6. I wonder if I am hyperventilating. The doctor still hasn’t called with my blood test results. What if something is abnormal? I am only 31 and am not ready to die. God, what if its cancer? Or heart disease, please don’t be heart disease. Imagine having these thought on a regular basis. Imagine having them daily, or even hourly! This is being in a state of constant awareness and extreme sensitivity. Is this what Health Anxiety causes or is this what caused the Anxiety? There is this line between sensible caution and hyper vigilance. One day I catapulted over that line and it’s been hell finding my way back to the other side.

Since the age of 23, I have had what was diagnosed as Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I battled through many different medications and several therapists. I would go into year long remissions with no symptoms what so ever. It would strike again for a while, and then leave. A very disruptive yoyo. When I would have these panic attacks, it would always start with a feeling that my heart was racing, though it never occurred to me to take my pulse. I would sweat, my throat would tighten, and I was certain I was dying. I even went to the ER several times only to be given a xanax, patted on the head, and sent out the door. I remember one ER visit quite clearly. I felt as though I was about to pass out. The RN was taking my pulse and she kept re-taking it as though something must have been wrong. She continually asked me if I was on any kind of drugs. I kept telling her no. I had even given up coffee at that point. I never even asked what my heart rate was. Never thought to ask. I just trusted them and waited for the xanax to kick in, as it eventually did.

In Spring of 2003, I was preparing for my wedding when I began feeling these flutters in my chest, like a fish flopping around beneath my ribs. I could actually feel my heart skipping beats. I later found out that these were PVCs (premature ventricular contractions). I had been anxiety symptom free for years and feeling quite “normal” until then. These flutters did make me nervous, but I tried to pass them off as indigestion and just started popping Rolaids. However, it did create some anxiety and I went back into counseling. After about 7 months or so, I was doing so well that the counselor thought I didn’t need her services anymore at that time. I was really making strides dealing with the anxiety and doing so without a daily medication.

It was a Friday in December of 2003, and I was home doing the dishes. I was looking forward to going out to dinner with my husband that night. I bent over to pick something up when it happened. I felt that familiar flutter and then what was about to occur was in no way familiar. My heart began to race. But much faster than anything I had felt before. I broke out into a cold sweat. And I had a feeling of sheer doom. I tried to take my pulse and it was too fast to count. I counted about 120 or so but I couldn’t be sure. Normal resting rate is about 60-90 beats per minute. I tried to calm down, but that was impossible. I decided to drive myself to the ER. I realized later that was a big mistake because I could likely have passed out and not only put my life in danger, but the lives of everyone else on the road. When I arrived my pulse was 155. They immediately hooked me up, gave me tests, and sat with me the full four hours this carried on. Finally I was given a beta blocker medication and my pulse went back to normal. My chest hurt. It felt the same way the muscles feel the day after a hard workout.

The following Monday I visited a cardiologist. She diagnosed me with SVT (supraventricular tachycardia). She said I likely had it for many years and probably never had Anxiety and Panic Disorder. Apparently the symptoms are pretty much identical, and they are very often confused. Great. For the past several years I have been convincing myself my heart was fine. Was all that wasted energy? How could I ever trust anyone again? How could I even trust my own instincts? I spent over 8 years undiagnosed and untreated. In fact, many of the medications I had been prescribed for the anxiety (SSRIs and Tricyclic Antidepressants) were aggravating the heart condition. I was told that this is a benign arrhythmia and would not threaten my life. And I was told to continue taking the beta blocker medication indefinitely. But I couldn’t stop worrying.

Regardless of whether or not I had anxiety disorder for all those prior years, I defiantly had it after this episode. I was panic stricken. Throughout the following months I struggled with this experience. I have doubted the words of physicians and their staff. I have made so many phone calls and asked so many questions. It was clear I became an extreme annoyance to everyone in my Cardiologist’s office. I had looked up every possible article on the internet and tried to read everything I could about this condition. What I have learned is that basically, there isn’t much to learn. I have learned that you can flood yourself with enough information to suffocate your mind and give wings to your fears.

I became pregnant shortly after the diagnosis and continued to take the medication. I began feeling great. No anxiety, no panic, no flutters. I felt better than I had in years. After having my beautiful little girl, however, the anxieties returned, but things were different. I began obsessing about my health and mortality. I was so afraid I was somehow going to die suddenly and leave my baby behind. The very thought was so scary and depressing to me and yet I fully realized it was all so irrational. Nonetheless, I couldn’t make those thought, those ‘what ifs,’ disappear.

I began realizing that I was overly sensitive to everything. I could feel my blood pressure drop one point. I could feel the food digesting in my abdomen. I could feel the slightest amount of adrenaline released from my brain and I hated it. With every discomfort, sensation, stimuli came the intense fear. A headache was an aneurysm. Reflux was a heart attack. Simple things that normal people feel everyday somehow became my signs of impending death. I became so vigilant about recognizing symptoms so I could avoid death that I was not living. I was unable to enjoy a wonderful life with my family. I was unable to live fully. As much as I wanted to stay alive, I was living a life that was anything but alive.

I have decided that even if this is my last day on this earth, I needed to enjoy it to the best of my ability. I have realized that not one of us knows how long we have. We all, like it or not, will die. But the only way to fight that fear of dying is to live well. I needed to make some changes. I began therapy. I journal. I even take medication daily. I am defiantly on the path to returning to my life. The life I have been so vigilantly fighting for. The life I have always wanted. I refuse to miss out on each day I am given. Some days are harder than others. Some days I need to write a bit more in my journal. Some days I need to make a conscious effort not to give in to the fear. But other days, most days, I can live as though I truly am a normal person. I say that tongue in cheek because, truly, how many of us are really normal.

I know there are many people out there with feelings similar to the ones I have experienced. I want those people to know that there is a way out. Whether it be through therapy, medication, meditation, distraction, journaling…there is a way out for you. It will not be easy. It will not be quick. But it will be. You are not alone. And right now, this very moment, you are alive. So now, start living.

Freaked About a Strange Dream

Last night I had a dream that has me kind of freaked out. I will explain it and you can let me know what you think…

I was in a hospital. I wanted to go home, but the nurse said that I couldn’t because my heart was still at 120. We were waiting for the Dr to come see me, but he was busy and I wasn’t considered a serious case. Also, for some reason, the heart Doc we were waiting for was my ex husband. Anyway, while we were waiting, a man came up to me with a gurney and told me to get on that he was to take me some where. I got on and he wheeled me really fast down all these hallways. It was fun and I was laughing. Then we were outside of the hospital and in a cemetery. He rolled me up to an open grave and I asked if it was mine. He said yes. I complained because I didn’t like the location. It was next to a bunch of strange sloppy graves that had a bunch of junk all over them and was next to a big pine tree. Suddenly I began to realize I was dead. Then IN MY DREAM, I woke up…but I wasn’t REALLY awake, I just thought I was. I was next to a window and I started to ascend out through the window and up into the sky. I was grabbing leaves and branches as I was flying slowly upward. I was kind of scared, but I had a weird fun, happy kind of feeling too. Then I was like in a field of some sort. A lot of grassy hills I think. And I just kept calling “God? God?” No one answered or appeared and I woke up.

Everything felt so real. I was very anxious and almost breathless when I awoke.

I have been so afraid that this dream means I may die soon.

I am 31. I have an 18 month old. And I have a severe fear of death.

Any words of wisdom??

My mom has precognitive dreams. But she complains because they are “stupid” and “insignificant”. Like last night she dreamt about a coffee table made with sand in it. This morning she watched a home deco show and watched as a woman was making a table with sand in it. She said it happens all the time. I told her that it isn’t stupid or insignificant. That it is just nature/God/Universe’s way of trying to get her to pay attention to that sense.

Anyway, perhaps this kind of thing is genetic?? What if I am going to die?? I am really quite fearful. This dream has me all freaked out.

Being a Stay at Home Parent - Shameful??

When I decided that I wanted to be a stay at home parent, I thought I was making the best decision for our family, including myself. I was proud and confident that it was the best choice. We have had to make sacrifices. I never buy high end, brand name clothing. I do not get my nails done. We live in a modest home. But we have what we need and then some. And to me, any of the sacrifices that have been made are well worth it.

What I didn’t expect was the stigma attached to being a stay at home parent. What I didn’t foresee were the condescending remarks. What I didn’t predict were the feelings of worthlessness brought on by the above mentioned issues.

My step daughter went to a daycare provider from the age of 8 weeks until 5 years. Her parents needed to work and they did not have a choice. And while she did receive adequate care, I witnessed her basically being raised by her babysitter. She is now 6 and is as smart as can be. She is polite and basically just a very good kid. I am in no way taking the stance that daycare is a wrong choice. But it wasn’t my choice. And I felt in every bone in my body that I was making the very right choice for us.

I cannot count the multitude of rude, condescending, and negative comments I have had said directly to me and behind my back regarding my staying at home with my daughter. I have heard remarks such as:

“It must be nice to sit at home all day.”

“Don’t you want to do more with your life?”

“You’re a smart girl, but you’re not getting any younger...don’t let the grass grow under your feet.”

“We don’t ALL have time like you do Heather.”

“Aren’t you worried about being dependant on your husband?”

Sit home all day? Man, I wish. I am more exhausted now than I have ever been in my life. I have never had a fulltime job that was as draining and tiring as I do now. I also have not had one that is as fulfilling.

Do more with my life? I thought I was doing a lot with my life. I am a mother, a wife, a step mother, a chef, a teacher, a life coach, a house manager, a book keeper, a receptionist, a personal assistant, a chauffeur, an event planner, a nurse, and a writer. Will I do more as my daughter gets older? Likely, yes. I will eventually get my Bachelors Degree. And yes, I will work outside the home sometime in the future. Will I ever be a career woman? Probably not. That isn’t me. That is not my nature. Does that make me lazy? If you chose to believe so that is your choice. I do not.

Am I worried about being dependant on my husband? Financially, yes. That is something I do think about. That is one of the sacrifices I feel am making. But my dependency is not one sided. My husband is also very dependant on me. If I weren’t doing all the work that I do, he would not be able to lead the life he lives. Believe me; he needs me just as much as I need him, if not more.

And these are all about me personally. I also hear comments about how my child isn’t getting all she needs because she is not in a daycare. Though I do now , at 18 months, have her in a daycare 2 hours a day 3 days a week for socialization.

How did something I felt to be so right become something of which to be ashamed? When did it become a world where a woman must work 40+ hours a week to be worthwhile and meaningful? Is a woman who spends endless hours dedicated to her career anymore valid or important than a woman who spends endless hours dedicated to her family?

It has gotten to the point that when I meet a woman who has a Masters Degree, works 50 hours at the office, and sees her children 2 hours a day - I actually feel intimidated. I feel two feet tall next to some women because of what society and even close friends and family have nagged into my psyche.

I realize I am responsible for my own feelings. And I realize that I should not depend on the opinions of others to form my own self worth. And you better believe I am working hard to replace these opinions and judgments with my own self validation. Because I will not allow a money and success driven community to minimalize my life and my choices. And just because I wear flip flops instead of high heels, drink apple juice instead of martinis, and change diapers instead of toner cartridges doesn’t mean you or anyone else is better than me. I am a damn good mother. I am a damn wife. And I am a damn good woman.

Dress Code - Letter to the Editor

This is a Letter to the Editor I wrote which should be published this week.

To the Editor:

I feel that perhaps I am among the sparse few who support the new dress code for Gilmore Middle School. In fact, I wouldn’t mind it being Unified-wide. I personally think it is a really good idea. When I drive past schools or see school age children in public, I am many times shocked at the clothing they are wearing. Belly shirts that say “hottie” or “boy crazy” on a ten year old? Tight jeans that reveal a 15 year old’s thong underwear? You cannot really blame the kids as this is what is pushed in their faces by media everyday. You can however blame parents for allowing their kids to dress this way. But once again, the school has to pick up the slack of lazy and irresponsible parenting. I have heard people complain about the lack of expression these new dress codes are allowing the children. Are you telling me that the only way kids know how to express themselves is through their clothing? Why not teach your child to express themselves through art, writing, and drama – anything other than clothing. Even a hairstyle can be a form of expression. Why must a child conform to the clothing ads in a magazine, paying outrageous prices for brand names, in order to express themselves? I think a dress code is a great way to teach children that they have inner value and that what they wear should not be who they are. In a world devoured by commercialism and high profits, in a country void of values, I think this is a lesson that needs to be instilled at an early age. I applaud this decision made for Gilmore and hope people will come to see it is for the best.

Nine Lives (2005) - A Review

Searching the aisles of Blockbuster this morning I was craving a movie that would be one worthy of a rare partial afternoon of freedom. I came across a cover that wasn’t necessarily appealing, but I was drawn to it anyway. As I picked it up and read the long list of impressive cast on the cover, I decided to rent it. The movie, Nine Lives, which was written and directed by Rodrigo García adorned many fine actors such as Sissy Spacek, Kathy Baker, Glenn Close, Dakota Fanning, and Robin Wright-Penn – just to name a few.

The movie is essentially, in a very basic description, a peek into a window of nine women’s lives. A quick ten minute glimpse into an emotional, human, captivating moment in the lives of women we know, love, and become daily. Each story leaves the audience to fill in their own blanks to a certain extent. But it is written in a way, and most defiantly acted in a way, that evokes a very purposeful emotion in those who chose to accept that what they are watching is truly the reality in our very own lives.

Each segment, each short story which very subtlety intersects with the others, was shot without a single cut. It was very much like watching short ten minute plays. It was very intriguing the way this film was made.

The direction, writing, and acting were beyond and above the typical movie and I can easily say it is a new addition to my top ten. I cannot think of a single criticism. Oh wait. I do have one complaint. I am depressed when I see a movie so compelling. It saddens me to come to the realization that I will never be able to even step foot into a realm of writing from which films like this are born. The thoughts that are typed onto paper by writers such as Garcia seem so far from anything in my capabilities. So, there is my one critique. My inferiority. Other than that, this movie is worth watching more than once. It is worth buying. It is worth discussing. And it was more than worth my 2 hours of Sunday freedom.

Now, I must change a diaper and fold 2 loads of laundry while I wait for the roast to finish cooking.

Poem for My Step Daughter

My hair is not like yours at all
And you do not have my eyes
From my womb you were not born
But we do have special ties

I wanted to teach you everything
East from West, right from wrong
And all there is to know

I loved and cared for you
The very best I knew how
Even when it didn’t show

I wish you all the very best
And a life made for kings

You are sweet, smart and deserve the most
For your name the future sings

A Poem For Cassidy

Since you were born I’ve wondered
Is it possible my heart has grown
The love I have for you my dear
Can be felt in every bone

I watch in great wonder
As you learn, laugh, and grow
You are glowing and brilliant
Magnificent from head to toe

Your kisses and hugs
Bring tears to my eyes
New words everyday
Bring on proud sighs

Words are just too limited
To express my love for you

Each time I look into those eyes
I feel something brand new

You will always be
My magic spark
My saving grace
My light in the dark

Thank you for choosing me
To be your mom and all
I never knew so much love
Could be just three feet tall

Freedomland - A Review

Freedomland – A Review

Today I went to see Freedomland starring Samuel L. Jackson, Julianne Moore, and Edie Falco. I hadn’t heard much about it beforehand and didn’t quite know what to expect.

I have a tendency to be very sensitive to movies. I use a lot of tissue at the theatres’ expense. And have been afflicted with what I call ‘theatre throat’ many times. Theatre throat is that very uncomfortable tightness you feel in your throat due to your attempt to suppress a cry while watching a movie in the midst of others with whom you wish to remain composed. I am sure some of you out there with actual emotions know of what I am speaking.

While watching Freedomland, I had thee worst theatre throat ever! And it is not like I really held it in all that much either. This movie was very emotional, powerful, and disturbing. It was also suspenseful as you really weren’t sure what direction it was going to take you. This is one of those movies that could have several alternate endings and all likely would have been superb. I have not read the book, but did get the impression a lot was left out of the movie, as there were some loose ends. But nevertheless, the good outweighed the bad.

The most breathtaking aspect of this film was the acting preformed by Julianne Moore. Not once in the entire movie did I see her as an actress. She was a disturbed, heartbroken, fearful mother from start to finish. Her acting in this movie was undoubtedly one of the best performances I have literally ever seen. I have read in other reviews that some of her character’s lines made no sense, that they didn’t fit in with the dialogue. My answer to this is quite simple. Put yourself in the characters shoes and then tell me everything you say is going to be articulate, poignant, and sensible. I thought her script and acting made this one of the most believable characters I have ever seen on screen. I am a highly sensitive person, and I could feel such energy from her scenes that I normally do not feel unless it is real life footage of real people. I felt her pain. She was real. And THAT is what acting is all about.

Not to ignore the magnificent Sam Jackson who was also quite illuminating in his own right. And a particular scene with Edie Falco was fascinating.

This won’t be a long review as I try very hard not to give any spoilers. And even more than that, they are few words to describe how moving and memorable this film was to me.

Letter to the Editor - All Day Kindergarten

I am writing in support of the proposal for All Day Kindergarten. I think this is a very exceptional idea for several reasons.

I believe that children are very capable of learning at very young ages, even if that learning is primarily socialization and following instruction. I think that starting education at an early age will only be beneficial to our future society. People complain about the failure rate of RUSD students, they bellyache that younger generations cannot ‘compete’ with those of other countries, and they criticize the state of our communities. And yes, it is up to parents to instill values, manners, and the sense of right and wrong within their own children. But let’s face it that simply isn’t happening in every household. For children to be able to be in a structured environment learning at an early age will only be valuable to all of us in the long run.

Also, I have heard it be said that this proposal is nothing more than a tax-paid babysitter. That is ridiculous. Yes, daycare is very expensive and many times it is simply more economical for a parent to stay home and not work instead of sending their child to daycare. And being a stay at home mother, I do see the benefits of this everyday and wouldn’t change my situation regardless of income. However, my daughter is only 18 months. When she is of kindergarten age, I know she will need more than I can provide. And 3 hours a day is simply not enough time to teach them to the extent they are capable of learning. And at that time, I will then be able to get back into the workforce. Doesn’t that benefit our economy?

I suppose there will always be people to bash any decisions made by RUSD. You certainly cannot please all of the people all of the time (or even some of the time). But I felt the need to voice my support for this advantageous proposal.

Why I Think I MAY Be an Empath

The past couple of months I have read or heard things that have led me down a path of considering the possibility of my being an empath. Now, please know I am not saying I am certain or that I am sure this truly exists. But the things I have learned about this ring so true to my own experiences that it is difficult to ignore. I have so many questions and it is really not a topic that is easy to learn about, especially from an actual expert or advisor. If anyone out there can offer any information that may help in my ‘research’, I would be more than appreciative. Here are some reasons why I think I MAY be an empathy or something of the sort. Some of these are copied from other posts I have made.

1. Since I can remember I have been highly sensitive – both physically and emotionally. I will feel a sensation, discomfort, or emotion suddenly for no apparent reason and this usually led to great anxiety.

2. When I go under street lights, they turn off. Not always, but A LOT. I have been told this is due to a high level of kinetic energy and that most people with this energy are born healers.

3. I always know when someone is being dishonest or untrue in someway to me. Whether I chose to acknowledge it or not, I always – deep down – know. Always.

4. I also always know when someone is talking about me, betraying, or disrespecting me. I can’t explain how or why…but I know.

5. I feel a VERY strong connection with animals. I feel they know I am safe. My compassion for animals is very heightened.

6. I feel physical symptoms that cannot be medically explained. Some chronic, some periodically. Anything from sudden tachycardia to a huge mark on my leg to chest pain.

7. Many times when I feel these sudden unexplained bouts of symptoms or anxiety, I will later find out of a tragedy. Here are a couple examples:

- The day before 9/11, I laid on the bathroom floor throwing up and crying. I was in a very deep depression and was physically sick. It was completely out of nowhere and completely unexplained. I called the Dr. and made an appt for the next day, thinking perhaps I was pregnant. On my way to the Dr. I was listening to the radio when the planes hit the World Trade Center. At that moment, that feeling of doom and sickness simply lifted away. I was so very sad of course about the whole tragedy, but it was like everyone else’s sadness. Not the deep sorrow I was feeling the day previous.

- The night the miners in Virginia died in the collapsed mine, I had this same feeling. Along with it was vertigo, which I had never experienced in my life, and trouble breathing fully. I was also suddenly extremely fatigued. I laid in bed all night. The next morning I had heard that the men had died.

These are just a couple examples.

8. I have a very hard time dealing with unauthentic people. People who are dishonest and untrue to themselves and others. This means, I have a hard time dealing with most people in general. I am a hermit type who usually chooses a loner lifestyle.

9. I am always searching for reasons. The Whys in life. When I cannot know, when there is simply an unknown – it drives me crazy. This is why I believe death is so hard for me to come to terms with. Death is the ultimate unknown.

10. Unfairness, injustice…bothers me more than most. I cannot seem to just let things go as others seem to be able to do.

11. I am always tired and drained. Always.

12. I have a very hard time biting my tongue. I say what I feel when I feel it and if I don’t or can’t, it eats away at me.


As I think of more, I will update. Again, anyone out there with thoughts on this, please post a comment or email me – cheers44@hotmail.com. I am very interested to hear whatever you may have to say.

Would Love to Hear From You...

I would love to hear stories from others experiencing similar situations to the ones I expressed in my previous post about feeling a sort of precognitive empathy..and perhaps anxiety or physical discomfort that comes with that...ANYONE???

Young Death and Some Other Thoughts

Reading the newspaper this morning, which I usually tend to avoid due to all the negativity, I read an obituary that has me perplexed and sad. There is a woman who was the exact same age as me, a week younger in fact, who has died. I didn’t know this woman and we did not attend the same schools. But I knew several people that have known her throughout the years, so I have heard of her. I also went on one blind date with her twin brother in high school. It did not go well, so a second date was never to be. She was 31 years old, married, with young children. Reading the memorial, she obviously had many loved ones and was even Godmother to 3 or 4 different children. I find this all so very sad.

Why did she die? The obituary gives no clues and I have found no articles regarding her being involved in an accident. I have the email of one friend who knows her so I am awaiting a response from her. I cannot get this out of my mind. It is like I need to know HOW she died. Is that completely morbid? I certainly do not mean to be. As I said, I am just very perplexed and sad. And I didn’t even know her.

Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I woke up with terrible heart palpitations. PVCs as they are known in the arrhythmia world. I do get them and have been getting used to them, but this was the first time they woke me up and were so frequent. I took my medication and they did improve. But this feeling of doom and dread did not cease. Even though I was not panic stricken, I had this concern all day about my heart and having a possible heart attack. My mother and husband both tell me over and over that I am fine, healthy, and young…and to stop worrying. But then I read this obituary and am reminded that age has little to do with death and when it can strike.

I know I need to come to a peaceful acceptance about death. I need to conform to the knowledge that I truly have no control over it and it will come when it is suppose to. I need to learn how to do this. I feel I am getting better at this acceptance and realization, but I defiantly need improvement.

I have come to the realization of something else, however, and it is something at which most would roll their eyes. I was born with a particular energy. I feel things many do not feel. I feel things very strongly not only within my own body, but also outside of my own being. I think I can sometimes sense when bad things are going to happen. I can actually sometimes FEEL what another person is feeling. I think it is referred to as being an empath of sorts. I am still learning about this side of myself and so far, I have seen it only as a drag to say the least. But I think it is a very possible reason for my unexplained ‘spells’. Not the anxiety, but the strange days of complete fear, doom, and physical discomfort. I will give you a couple examples.

The day before 9/11, I laid on the bathroom floor throwing up and crying. I was in a very deep depression and was physically sick. It was completely out of nowhere and completely unexplained. I called the Dr. and made an appt for the next day, thinking perhaps I was pregnant. On my way to the Dr. I was listening to the radio when the planes hit the World Trade Center. At that moment, that feeling of doom and sickness simply lifted away. I was so very sad of course about the whole tragedy, but it was like everyone else’s sadness. Not the deep sorrow I was feeling the day previous.

The night the miners in Virginia died in the collapsed mine, I had this same feeling. Along with it was vertigo, which I had never experienced in my life, and trouble breathing fully. I was also suddenly extremely fatigued. I laid in bed all night. The next morning I had heard that the men had died.

There have been a number of instances like this. Sure it could all be coincidence. But I am keeping a journal from now on to keep track of these strange occurrences. My mom suggested last night that perhaps I was feeling the way I was last night because something bad was going to happen, perhaps to someone else. And even though I have been effected by this woman’s death, it cannot be the explanation for yesterday's feelings because she died last week. So, who knows.

Anyway, this blog obviously went askew. I apologize.

My condolences go out to the Christiansen and Zanis families. I feel such sadness for their loss.

A Peek Into an Anxiety Attack

I had the first anxiety attack that I have had in months this morning. It wasn't a full blown panic attack which I used to get, but it was sort of a mini attack which caught me by surprise considering I have been doing so well anxiety-wise. It also had/has me feeling angry and disappointed. I was almost feeling 'cured' for a while there. As I have learned through years of suffering from this horrid affliction, journaling is a wonderful tool in dealing with anxiety and the attacks especially. I journaled as I was going through the attack and I will share with you that journal entry in hopes to give some people an insight to what happens to some people during an anxiety attack. But please keep in mind that this is years and years after having been dealing with anxiety. For many (and even myself not so long ago) the attacks were much longer and more intense then the one I am about to describe. This entry is after a lot of therapy, reading, and even while on medication.

Thursday February 9th 9:55am

After I got out of the shower I felt a weird sensation in the back of my leg. That went away within a minute or so, but then I started feeling strange aches throughout the rest of my body in various places lasting only very brief moments. First in my left hand, then in my right foot, then my back..there seemed to be no pattern or reason. The pains were slight, just like a quick dull ache. But as they happened, I began to focus on my body and how I was feeling. The more I thought (worried) about these feelings, I also started to notice difficulty breathing and tightness in my throat and chest. My tummy also started to feel upset. I then started that same obsessing I used to get about the baby being left alone if something were to happen to me and I was not able to call 911 in time. The more I worried about this, the worse the physical symptoms felt. I did read an article last night that I knew I should have stayed clear from...it was about young women and strokes/heart attacks. So, of course, as usual, this is what I was fearing. Blood clots of any kind - heart, abdominal, head, lung - are my biggest fear. I put Cassidy in her crib hoping she will nap as it is near her naptime. At least that way, she will be safe if I were to pass out, or God forbid, die. I do realize that the more I start to get anxious and worry about my physical sensations and aches, the stronger they get. I realize that the anxiety causes a Physical and chemical reaction in my body that causes my muscles to tense which creates the tightness in my throat and chest. Also, I think that I unintentionally and unknowingly hold my breath when I become anxious and this is what causes the difficulty in breathing. I need to remember that I am basically a healthy person and have no rational reason to believe that I am in any life threatening danger. I also need to realize that when it is my time to die, I will have no control over that and I need to be at peace with that fact. I have taken all the rational, necessary steps to take any control I can - live a reasonably healthy life and educate myself on the possible dangers. Aside from that, there is truly nothing more I can do. I need to be okay with that lack of control and the truly unknown. I am a very sensitive person, both emotionally and physically. I feel a lot of aches, pains, and sensations that typically people would not even notice. Having the heart condition makes it more noticeable as I can feel arrythmias - but I must remember that they will not kill me. I have to remember that I have this habit of catasrophizing everything I feel and automatically assume I am in danger. As real and as scary as these feelings are, I must remember this habit because the older I get, the more aches I seem to get. As I have been sitting her writing for the past 30 minutes, my breathing has been normal, heart rate normal, and I do feel more relaxed. Though journaling does help a great deal, I need to work more on the CBT techniques so I can stop the obsessive thinking before it even reaches the point of even these 'mini' attacks.

End of entry.

Thanks to the medication I am on and my wonderful therapist, I have been basically anxiety free for months. But I must realize that I have a long way to go before I can consider myself 'cured'. Perhaps there is no cure and it is just a matter of dealing with a life with relapses and remissions. For years I cried, why me. But I must remember that having to deal with this has also given me many opportunities I would otherwise not have. I have a greater understanding and compassion for those who have conditions many do not comprehend in the slightest. I have the opportunity to help others who are just learning about how to deal with anxiety/panic. I have the opportunity to look at this extra sensitivity as a gift in many ways. I won't get in to all that now, but it has given me some power I would otherwise not have - I am not only sensitive to myself and my own body - but can actually empathize more than I think most people can on many different levels. I have also had the opportunity to meet some people that bring a lot to my life. Especially my therapist who helps me in ways I wasn't even searching for.

It is unrealistic and even unfair to expect someone who has never had to deal with an anxiety disorder to even remotely understand what it is like to live with. But I think it is important to discuss these things so that not only can the people who suffer gain some skills and commrodary, but so that those who do not understand can at least begin to gain some insight.

Opps - She's an Idiot

Usually, I do not write about celebrity news. But this has my head spinning. See link below:

http://justjared.blogspot.com/2006/02/britney-spears-driving-with-baby-on.html

What the hell was she thinking? DOES she think? Just like marriage, she is obviously the rich spoiled brat who thinks babies and husbands are just all part of playing house. So sorry you didn't have a normal childhood Brit, but putting your child in harm's way is hardly excusable. Paparazzi worries is also a pathetic excuse. Like the other blogger said, why is she smiling if she was in such fear? Why couldn't the body guard put the kid in the carseat? There is NO good reasoning here plain and simple.

And yes, I know she is not the only one who choses to endanger her children. I am constantly seeing young kids without seatbelts and car seats in the back and front. I am constantly seeing parents whose cars are engulfed in cigarette smoke with their children swimming through the tar clouds.

It pisses me off to unbelievable proprtions.

And now back to our regular programming.....

To the People in My Life - Thank You

There have been people throughout my life who have made a big impact in one way or another. I would like to take this time to thank these people. Undoubtedly, I will leave some people out as my memory isn't what it once was...but as I think of them, I will update this blog. For the most part, this list is in no particular order...



My husband, Charlie Geyer - Thank you for loving me the way I am. Thank you for your loyalty. Thank you for being a wonderful and responsible provider for your family. Thank you for your unending integrity. Thank you for being a great father. Thank you for accepting that I am not perfect. Thank you for your honesty and your devotion. Thank you for your love.

My daughter, Cassidy Rosita Geyer - Thank you for showing me what true, unconditional love really is. Thank you for your beautiful smiles and your sweet kisses. Thank you for making me smile even on my worst of days. Thank you for reminding me that life is always worth living and living well.

My mother, Becky DeGroot - Thank you for being the best mom you could be. I have been difficult through the years as I am sure many daughters are, but you have always loved and wanted what was best for me. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my parent when I was a child and for being my best friend as an adult.

My father, Edward 'Marty' Jocius - Thank you Dad for teaching me how short and precious our lives truly are. Thank you for your humor and wit. Thank you for watching over me as I truly believe you to be.

My stepfather, Randy DeGroot - Thank you for always being there when I need you. Thank you for helping me when I need it the most. Thank you for taking care of us all of these years. Thank you for being more of a father than our own father. Thank you for caring for us and loving us.

My step daughter, Mackenzie Eileen Geyer - Thank you for teaching me that it is possible to love and care for a child that is not of blood relation. Thank you for teaching me that patience is an important virtue to learn. Thank you for teaching me that we all need to be silly sometimes.

My brother, Chad Jocius – Thank you for bringing my beautiful niece into the world. Thank you for not completely beating the crap out of me when we were kids. Thank you for your honesty and support when it is needed the most.

My niece, Leia Jocius - Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for being so darn cute and lovable. I will always always be here for you.

My grandmother, Rose Byrd – Thank you for taking care of us and helping out my mother. Thank you for teaching me manners and how to clean. Thank you for hugging me and saying I love you that last time I saw you before you died. Thank you for watching over me.

My grandmother, Betty Berger – Thank you for all of your humor. Thank you for your openness and bluntness. Thank you for taking us to the pumpkin farm and Browns Lake when we were kids. Thank you for being fun. Thank you for watching over me.

Jack Plate – Thank you for seeing in me what I have wished for so long for people to see…even myself. Thank you for reminding me that I do have good qualities and have the capability of living a true authentic and meaningful life. Thank you for so so much.

My aunt, Sally Manzo – Thank you for keeping in touch from so far away after so many years. Thank you for letting me have that connection to my father’s family. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

My uncle, Mike Jocius – Thank you for trying to keep a bond with us. Thank you for not losing touch with us despite the actions of our father.

Tony ‘Ruben’ Serrano – Thank you for being my best friend for so so long. We have come in and out of each other’s lives so many times, but even after years I always feel comfortable with you. Thank you for your humor. Thank you for your sensitivity and your sarcasm. I miss you.

My ex-boyfriend, Jiro Kaisserlian – Thank you for being my first 'true' love. Thank you for helping me through the death of my father. Thank you for being a loyal and honest boyfriend for 3 years. Thank you for becoming a lasting fond memory I will have with me always. You will always be a part of me.

Kim Emmrich – Thank you for being such an honest and open minded friend to me. And even though our friendship seems to have faded, know I will always be here for you and will always appreciate the many times you were there for me.

Jodi Belland – Thank you for being not only a sister in law, but a friend for a long, long time. We did not always see eye to eye, but we were like sisters that way and I miss you. Also, thank you for Leia.

Paige Putning-Kuypers – Thank you for being such a good friend for all those years. We had so many good times and when I think about some of the happiest moments in my life, you were there. Thank you for coming such a long way to be in my wedding and thank you for always being YOU.

Laura Garner – I have not seen you in over 10 years. Thank you for being one of the best friends I ever had. I often think about if you were still around, how we would be so close now. I miss you and hope one day to find out where the hell you are!

Brian Anderson – Thank you for re-connecting with me after so long. Thank you for being one of the very few people who actually take the time to read my writing. Thank you for being the friend you were all those years ago.

Chris Lay – Thank you for giving me some very fond memories. Thank you for putting a smile on my face every time I hear the song Daydream Believer. Thank you for those long late night phone conversations. And don’t forget…30 years…Bingo…be there!

My mother in law, Nancy Burke – Thank you for teaching me tolerance. Thank you for teaching me that I cannot change people and that I do not need to. Thank you for helping me realize that what others think of me really doesn’t even matter. And thank you for all the beautiful photographs of our children.

Mark Thomas – Thank you for remembering my birthday those years when I was very lonely. Thank you for always having my best interest at heart. Thank you for the fun times and those too cute smiles.

Eric Schoene – Thank you for being my partner in my first real relationship. Thank you for being there with me when we were both learning our lessons the hard way. Thank you for always, no matter what state our relationship was in, making me feel pretty. There will always be a place for you in my heart. Honk honk..ding ding.

Steve Schoene – You probably don’t even remember, but years ago you showed me some wonderful acts of kindness. I will never forget this and often want to write you expressing my gratitude. Not only did you lend me the money to pay my phone bill, but you rode that scary Milwaukee bus with me all the way into the straight up ghetto to pay it. You treated me very kindly when I was in a dark time and you never made me feel like a loser because of it – please know, it will never be forgotten.

Kevin Neurenberger - Speaking of acts of kindness...there has probably never been a sweeter kinder person ever in my life. I so regret the way I let our friendship sift thru my fingers like golden sand. I miss you emmensly and can only hope for a day when you will reappear into my life. You were there for me during such gloomy times. You treated me far better than I ever deserved. Thank you, Kevin, please never think for a moment I have forgotten your hugs and kind words.

Phil Gister - I want to thank you for giving me something/someone to care about during a time in my life I cared about close to nothing. Thank you for reminding me that we sometimes do get second chances in this life. When you were in your accident, I was so truly worried about you and your future. You brought back to me a compassion I thought I had lost. I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I hope you take complete and full advantage of this second chance you have been given.

As I said, I am leaving people out. And I will continue to fill in the missing ‘thank yous’ as they come to me. This blog will be an ongoing tribute to the people who have made my life what it is today and what it will become. There is a special place in my heart for all of you.

I No Longer Have a Home

I no longer have a home. The city in which I have lived my entire 31 years has become a place I am ashamed to call home. This city has become a cauldron of heartless drones. This city is filled with people who would rather save a penny then save a life. This city has had its heart turn to stone and its soul sold to the highest bidder. I no longer have a home.

A terrible thing happened this week. Please see the following link for details and comments people have made on this story. The comments made seem to be a reflection of the muck this city has become. The comments have me reeling in disgust for my neighbors.

http://www.journaltimes.com/nucleus/index.php?itemid=3635

People make mistakes in their lives. Id bet that pertains to every one of us. Who, in their young lives especially, have done things which could have pissed off another person, or could have been judged as wrong or even illegal? Now imagine being killed for that mistake.

So many people are trying to get a Concealed Carry Gun Law passed in Wisconsin. Can anyone see how this is going to create a war zone. It is going to turn every individual into police, judges, and even executioners.

I am sad on this cloudy, cold Wisconsin morning. I have a gnawing in the pit of my stomach and a sour taste in my mouth. I no longer have a home.

Color Me Impressed (and Hopeful) - Wisconsin State of the State Address

While listening to Governor Doyle's State of the State speech last night I actually found myself applauding (my 16 month old daughter found that amusing) and even felt a bit choked up at times. Most of what was discussed I find to be so important and I am so hopeful that this is not just a bunch of excitable pipe dreams. Below is a list of topics he outlined in his speech (list from AP found on http://http://www.duluthsuperior.com/mld/duluthsuperior/13648355.htm ) and my thoughts on each of them:


Creating a new health insurance program for children called BadgerCare Plus. The effort would merge 500,000 individuals currently enrolled in three different programs into one.

As I understood it, he is proposing a healthcare plan where families of all incomes can CHOSE to enroll for their CHILDREN. He claims that he believes no child should ever be without health insurance. I, of course, believe this as well.


Creating a large, low-cost insurance pool for Wisconsin employers designed to address the cost of catastrophic care.

I think this is a wonderful idea. Horrible things happen to people from all walks of life. This will cut insurance costs for employers which will in turn benefit employees and our communities. Lack of jobs, outsourcing, and high premiums can all begin to be addressed by solutions such as this one.


A new financial aid package for college. Wisconsin eighth-graders who sign a pledge agreeing to maintain at least a B average in high school, take certain courses and stay out of trouble would be eligible. If they go to a public Wisconsin school, the state would guarantee them grants, loans and work-study jobs to pay cover the cost of tuition.

Again, I think this is great. Students and parents will all have to be accountable in order to receive these benefits. College has become almost a necessity in this country and it needs to be affordable. And students need to start seeing it as not only a possibility, but as their goal, starting from an early age.


An expansion of Wisconsin's Family Care program, which provides long-term, community based support for low-income seniors and the disabled. Services range from the meal delivery to help administering medications. Doyle has touted it as a cheaper alternative to putting seniors into nursing homes.

I didn't even realize how much of a problem this was. I never, thank God, have had to think about this. But one day, it could be likely that I will. Many elderly and disabled are living in outrageously expensive Nursing Homes when less expensive solutions could be made available. They can live more independent lives while still getting the care they need and deserve.


An initiative aimed at helping Wisconsin capture 10 percent of the stem cell research market by 2015. Doyle plans to direct the Department of Commerce to spend $5 million to recruit companies that find practical applications for stem cell research. The initiative includes efforts to promote Wisconsin as a leader in the field.

Here is where I actually applauded in my own living room. I thought "This man has got some balls!" Many faces in that room in Madison did not look pleased, but the ones that did were hooting and hollering!! And I am hooting and hollering right along with them. I believe Doyle's quote was "Politics will not get in the way of curing diseases." I just wish our federal government was so clear minded.


$6 million to help people with rising heating costs. The effort would give 30,000 Wisconsin families an average of $200 in state heating bill assistance this year.

This is for families who make 40k or less a year. So, while it still leaves me with a high heating bill and no assistance, I applaud this. This can help so many people. And lets face it, they need it more than I do. He also is asking for this to be an emergency action to go into effect asap so that people can be helped right NOW!


$9.5 million in private venture capital for startup businesses in northeastern Wisconsin that has been deemed the "New North."

Great!! New jobs..Who could argue with that??


A tax credit for poor parents working at least 35 hours a week designed to ensure their incomes meet the federal poverty level of $19,350 for a family of four. The credit would cost the state $22 million in revenue in its first year, helping an estimated 9,000 families with 26,000 children.

The most important part of this 'poor parents working at least 35 hours a week' !! This is NOT a hand out to baby poppers sitting on their asses day in and day out. This is for hard working parents trying to make a decent life for their families! One of the biggest problems in this community is the fact that children are being raised in hopelessness. This breeds crime. Helping these families will benefit ALL of us and will keep people working because it won't be more beneficial to collect welfare and state aid. As Doyle said (or something to the effect), 'There is no state aid better than a good paying job.'


Outlawing the practice of "health care dumping." Doyle said profitable companies such as Wal-Mart should not deliberately manipulate their benefits so that employees qualify for state-funded programs such as BadgerCare.

This is a no-brainer. Shame on them.


He also mentioned starting a 4 year old kindergarten program. This is such a great idea. Not only a four year olds more than ready, getting an earlier start will only encourage their social and learning growth. Also, this will really help working parents who are struggling to pay for the high cost of child care. What a fabulous idea.

If you read my blogs, you know how I feel about gas rates and the abusive oil companies. Doyle is just as pissed as I am and is working hard at taking on these seemingly untouchable corporations.

To this day I refuse to consider myself a democrat or republican. While I lean towards the democrat philosophies because they tend to put people before the mighty dollar, I also agree with my republican friends about ridiculous hand outs to unproductive citizens. I support gay marriage, abortion rights, and other liberal plights. But I also feel that civil liberties are being taken advantage of and ballooned to unnecessary proportions at the expense of the majority. While I still refuse to consider myself a Democrat. I fully support Governor Doyle. His views on education, stem cell research, and healthcare are just a few of the reasons he is clearly doing (or trying to do) what is best for our state and ultimately, our country.

Munich (2005) - A Review and a Learning Experience

"It costs dearly, but home always does," said by Mathieu Amalric who played Louis in Steven Spielberg 'Munich' is all telling and should have been the bi-line for this film.

Entering the theatre I knew nothing of the subject. I was born in 1974 and have literally never heard a single thing about this tragic event. Perhaps that disabled my experience, perhaps it assisted me in watching from a fresh perspective, I am not sure. Not being a historian by any means and not being well-educated in the plights of our fellow humans on the other side of the world, this movie taught me an abundance of what I should have already learned years ago.

Spielberg, being an obvious Jewish supporter, I thought this work would have been much more biased. Instead he beautifully and intellectually demonstrated that all involved are human at their very core and are all simply fighting out of loyalty and love of home. Neither side was portrayed as monsters, heartless terrorists or simple assassins. We, as spectators, were able to sympathize with the entire situation.

This movie was phenomenally acted, beautifully written, and the direction was executed in Speilberg's usual magical essence.

I believe that this world was meant to have no boundaries. We were all meant to have a home, and that home is simply earth. Land is that on which we walk, I do not believe it is what makes us who we are. So much torment, death, and destruction in the name of Land, Home, and God. It is so sad when what we all need to realize is that belongs to each of us in our hearts, not below our feet.

A Quick Goodnight

I did see Munich Today. But I need sometime to really think about the whole story before writing my review. I will write about it tomorrow.

Not much to say tonight as I am exhausted and the monkey child will be up at the crack of dawn, so off to bed I go.

Good night world.

King Kong (2005) - A Review

Before reading this review of Peter Jackson’s King Kong (2005), it is important to know a few things about me in order to understand the significance of some of my points.
First of all, I have never, ever, even once in my life seen any version, new or old, of King Kong. I never read any books about it, comics, magazines, nothing whatsoever. I knew some of the basics…big giant ape somehow ends up in New York, falls for a blonde chic, and he ends up dying on top of the Empire State Building. Basically, that is all I knew.
Secondly, I never have seen any of The Lord of the Rings movies and know absolutely nothing of them or Peter Jackson’s talent beside the fact that my brother, an incurable dork at heart, has tortured me over and over with his incessant bickering about ‘having’ to see these movies. I will, I will, I promise.
The last thing that bears some significance is the fact that I take drugs…prescriptions for anxiety and a fast heart rate. Both of these drugs not only calm me by blocking adrenaline, but also slow my heart rate considerably. This is only important to know due to the fact that during these 3 hours of watching King Kong, my heart raced the entire time regardless of my medicated blood stream.
When I first saw the trailer for this movie, I knew it looked worth watching. I thought it was likely a promising adventure. The effects appeared to be fascinating. I figured I would enjoy it. All of the mentioned proved to be true, and then some…and some…and some…and some. One thing about me I forgot to reveal earlier is the secret of my thimble sized bladder. Yes, I have to pee a lot. You all now know this fun fact about me. Anyway, there was not one single moment during this film that I could have spared 2 minutes to run to the bathroom and whiz. Seriously, this movie was jammed with back to back action and I didn’t want to miss a minute of it.
The breaths in between the adventurous, hair pulling scenes came in the form of basic human…and simian…emotion. When first hearing about a movie where a beautiful woman and an ape fall in love, I thought to myself ‘Okay, WHATEVER!’. But watching the connection, the compassion, and the mutual lonely sadness between the two made so much sense of the ridiculous story. I mean really, what woman doesn’t want someone to protect them despite grave danger? Who wouldn’t crave for someone to stand tall, pound their chest, and scream out “She’s mine!”? And what male wouldn’t dream of a pretty blonde to juggle and dance for him? Really, it all makes perfect sense.
The pure, unadulterated heart from which this movie beats is what makes this one of the best stories ever. The hair-raising, striking, and beautiful direction, editing, and effects made this one of the films ever. Brav-freakin-o!!
There is one more thing I would like to add. I would like to make a formal apology to the guy seated in front of me. I am sure that my snot sniffling sobbing and my long abdominal trying not to cry out loud breaths were quite annoying. For this, I apologize.

Pleading For Reason

The following is a letter I will be sending to The Journal Times as a letter to the editor as well as to all my local/state politicians.
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in regards to the newest approval for Electric and Gas price increase reported Wednesday January 11, 2006. I am pleading for our local and state politicians to take a good hard look at how much this is affecting the average person in Wisconsin. I understand that it may be hard to realize the dramatics of these approvals while holding a six digit salary. But I need to express that these rate increases are going to devastate many people in our communities. Between the rates of electricity, gas, and healthcare, we are going to experience personal financial ruin in this state. While the elite few are lining their pockets with our last dollars, the majority will be suffering. I for one will be sure to vote only for politicians who openly express not only their genuine realization of these problems, but also the ones who demand changes. Republican or democrat, it makes no difference to me. And soon it will make little difference to anyone as long as we see our bank accounts dwindle to nothingness.
Last month my WE Energies bill was $296. I have a 1200 sq ft home. We purchased a new furnace in the fall and put added insulation into our home. We have taken many steps to be energy savvy. Yet, our bills rise and rise to ridiculous proportions. We are able to get by on a month to month (paycheck to paycheck) basis fairly comfortably. But that not only will not last for long, I can’t imagine how many others will financially survive at all.
Something has to be done, plain and simple. And I, for one, want to know what our representatives and politicians are doing about these out of control predicaments. I want to know who will be the ones to stand up against our current administration who are simply allowing this abuse to continue and escalate.

Watch Arrested Development

For two seasons I have looked forward to and enjoyed every episode of "Arrested Development" - on Fox Sundays at 7:30 central. I have been hearing vicous rumors of its cancellation. Like a punch in the gut, this leaves me feeling irked. And the thing is, I know exactly why this may happen. Stupid people. Yes, once again the stupid people of America are ruining my freakin day.
Arrested Development is truly one of the most clever, brightest, freshest shows I have seen in years. I simply cannot think of a sitcom that has made me almost pee such as this one. The humor these writers pocess is so multi layered. I cannot believe their heads do not explode from all that talent. On the surface, the show has almost this slapstick, goofy type of humor. But to the audience member who is payng a bit more attention, the wit is much deeper and shrewd than the average viewer. This is why I believe the show is not being watched. I think people don't 'get it' for all that it is. People arent paying attention.
PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE! Turn off the WB...quit watching those retarded teeny bopper soap operas...and do you really need to see another decapitated corpse being autopsied?
Give thought a chance.
Let your brain laugh.
Watch Arrested Development.
Thank you.

Fast Food Tax

Here is a story from USA Today to give you some back ground.
http://http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-05-08-detroit-tax_x.htm
Now, how I feel. This man is brilliant. So much of this proposal makes sense and can do a whopper of good for the community. Sorry, couldn't resist.
We all know that fast food is not a necesity. Not only is it not a necessity, but it is virtually a toxic wolf in sheeps clothing preying on the weak taste buds of our cities. The statisics prove that people are more obese and unhealthy than ever. I think there are many reasons for this and fast food is certainly one of them. Now eating a Big Mac once every couple months isn't going to make a difference to your health. Eating one everyday, that will. Cigarettes are taxed. Alcohol is taxed. Why not fast food? Like the lottery, this could bring much needed money to our cities. Recently in Racine, a school referendum was denied. Because of this, it is likely that all high school sports will be cancelled. Voters refuse to pay for the needs of the schools through property taxes. Well, in this particular area, why not have a portion of this fast food tax allocated to help schools with their rising costs?
Since we are sort of on topic, I would like to mention that I think it is ridiculous that you have to pay out of the nose to eat healthy in this country. And on the other token, eating junk is more than significantly cheaper. Lean meats, produce, whole grains...they have outrageous costs. Big Mac, Whopper, Frosty...less than a buck. And we wonder why poverty stricken people are often obese? Duh.
We need to straighten out some priorities. We need to implement common sense into the fabric of our government, laws, and policies. I think every city should look into this proposal and follow Detroits example. Whether is causes a deterant to eating as much fast food or simply brings higher revenues to our communities, what's the worst that could happen? Either way, we win.

A Few Praises

I often find myself watching tv and movies and listening to music when I am alone. Usually, I do these things while Cassidy naps during the day. This gives me a chance to give my undivided attention, but also leaves me feeling a need to share in the experience when it is a moving one. I wanted to give a few examples of these moving entertainment experiences in this entry.
Damien Rice's "O" CD is the first of these honorable mentions. I can literally listen to this CD over and over, something I have never been able to tolerate, and feel the music each time. The guitar is mezmorizing. His voice is classically seducing. The songwriting is envy inspiring. There are a couple songs that bring tears to my eyes with a smile on my face ~ almost like the rainbow in a storm. I can listen to this CD when I am feeling demolished and somehow end up restored. I can listen when I am in my best of moods and be reminded why. I cannot imagine anyone not liking this CD. But more importantly, if you are a true music lover, I defy you to not fall in love with it.
At his website you can hear live streams...check it out...
http://www.damienrice.com/
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House. Strange name for a television show I thought at first. Wasn't particularly interested. But I watched it anyway. Loved it from the first five minutes and haven't missed an episode since. I had given up most dramatic shows, epecially medically based ones. They seem to provoke my anxiety and up until now, it simply wasn't worth it (cough, cough...ER). I don't care if I have to pop a sedative before watching. This show is fabulous and never disappointing. The writing is very intelligent. Hugh Laurie is officially my new TV boyfriend. It is medically and humanly interesting. I love a show that can make you cry and laugh and learn all in the matter of an hour. Watch it. Seriously. I mean it. NO REALLY...watch it!!
http://www.fox.com/house/
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I saw the movie Crash this past weekend. I don't think it is much of a secret that this movie is pretty great. It is one of those everyone and everything is connected kind of movies..like Altman's Short Cuts and 13 Conversations About the Same Thing. But this one is blanketed with the topic of race relations. It is brutal, honest, and real. When you think you know what is going to happen, it swirves and goes another direction. It leaves you feeling embaressed and enlightened - or at least, it should. It is now out on DVD. Give it a rent.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375679/combined

As I Barf Into an Oil Drum

Writing will come slowly to me today as I am as close to speachless as I can get. In hearing the latest reports about the windfall profits made by Exxon this past quarter, I am apalled. Yes, certainly companies are suppose to make a profit. That is the whole point of consumerism and the basis of this dollar sign emblemed country. I get it. But when these profits are inflating (more like exploding) the pockets of a slight few while the remaining 99% of the country are digging for pennies under their car seats...something is terribly wrong.
Call it liberal propaganda if you like, though I have never been much of a self proclaimed liberal, there is a bigger picture here that obviously needs to be explained slowly and in small words for the Bushie followers who seem to not understand. Here's a little bedtime story for your sleepy cowboys....
Bush grew up with Uncle Exxon and Cousin Shell buying him lavish Christmas gifts and ponies on his birthday. When he grew up, he got to work with these fun lovin' Texan buddies...thanks to Daddy of course. On holidays and special occasions the Bushes like to roll around in oil stained money, just for fun. Yeeee HA!! Wait..there's a bunch of oil over there with the camels and sand?? You mean, its not all in Texas and Alaska? Well, I'll be. We better go over there and get some control of that dontcha think?? I mean, those people are all a bunch of nuts who kill each other anyway...we'll just tell people they are a threat to us. We'll call it our patriotic duty. Yea, dad screwed it up the first time..but this time we have 9/11 to exploit. 2000 dead. Boy, they sure are sorry. But it is for a good cause, don't forget...we must stop terrorism. Not to mention this war is making BILLIONS of dollars for their dear dear friends. So, daddy Bush, little Bush, quiet Cheney, Uncle Exxon, and Cousin Shell all go to the Halloween Ball. Their costumes, so telling...Chandler, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe. They dance all night, celebrating their neverending dollars. And just as they are about to howl at the moon...millions of parents get ready to leave for their 2nd jobs in hopes to pay this month's heating bill...another soilder gets wounded in hopes to secure our egocentric nation...another car dies on the freeway because it's owner couldn't scrape together enough gas money...but really, who cares..right?
What is happening here is nothing short of economic rape. Please, explain to me why this is okay.

Alternatives to Jail Expansion

A Letter I wrote to the Editor of the TJT...
I believe that instead of putting that money into a jail expansion, it would make better economic sense to put those funds towards a greater solution. We need to look at the big picture here.
We need programs that will instill the values that seem to be lacking in our community. Parents need to be held responsible for their young children’s behavior and education. There are many parents that need to learn how to instill pride, self respect, good judgment, confidence, and integrity into their children. Parents need to be held accountable. We need to develop resources that will help parents do this. We need realistic affordable family counseling. What I mean by realistic is counseling services without a 3 month waiting period. Parenting and education are at the fundamental core of creating a positive community. It has to start at the beginning.
Many of the offenders taking up space in the jails and prisons are there because of addiction, in one way or another. Either they are dealers supplying the addicts, addicts committing crimes to gain their drug of choice, or committing crimes while under the influence. This community needs a realistic inpatient treatment facility that is affordable to those from all walks of life. There are many empty buildings in this city wasting away. Take one of these buildings, hire experienced professionals, and begin to treat one of the roots of our community’s problems. Downtown business owners are so appalled by the presence of homeless people adorning their precious Main Street. Perhaps they can help provide grants to this treatment center to help these people get back on their feet. I do not think people understand what it costs for a patient who is uninsured to get addiction treatment. They simply expect them to get over it. Or even more so, people simply do not care. We bury our heads in the sand and pass judgment. What does that solve? These people need serious rehabilitation and I think we can all agree this does not exist in the jail system.
We need to keep jobs here at home. We need to vote for politicians who will fight against our jobs being outsourced to other countries. We need our local businesses to hire on employees instead of keeping “temporary” employees for years and years with no benefits or opportunities for advancement. We need to reward local companies who really make a contribution to hiring local citizens. And we need to penalize companies who practice otherwise.
People do not want to seem to look at the entire vision. It is all connected. We are all connected. This is a community and the problems and issues of one family seep throughout the entire population. Everyone at one time or another is affected by the ripples created by another. The crime in this city will not subside until the roots of these issues are addressed and dealt with: addiction, joblessness, lack of positive parenting, and lack of self respect and pride. We need a willingness to put the money and the manpower into programs that will chip away at the actual problems, not just their symptoms.

What Would You Do?

What would you do
If you saw the real me
Would you run would you laugh
Would you climb up a tree

What would you say
If I told you my story
Would you stammer or stutter
Would you slam down a forty

Maybe you’d smile
Kiss and hug me too
Maybe you’d shrug
Because you already knew

Maybe you’d say
That you’ll love me forever
Maybe you’d sigh
And say Oh Whatever

Will you ever know me
Do you even care
Would you accept the damage
Or not see it there

For now I will let you
Ask of what only you wonder
Perhaps less is more
So I will prevent a blunder

Like it or Not

Distorted reflections, mistaken beliefs
Am I empty or just to full to feel
This isn’t who I thought Id become
I didn’t sign up for this deal

So much for me to be grateful
I am thankful for all I’ve been given
But something inside is missing
That passion that once had me driven

I want to open my eyes
And become fully aware
That this is my life like it or not
There is no such thing as fair

I need to take what I have
And make it the most
And realize to this life of mine
I am the only host

I need to live in the moment
Worry not of the future, forget the past
I need to let the river carry me
And shed this cumbersome mast

Introducing myself
To this world as just me
Its good enough for you
So I will just let it be

Oh Motherhood

I wake in the morning
rubbing the crust from my eyes
I drag out of bedand
squeeze into a bra half my size

How can it be morning
Didn't I JUST go to bed
I will take a nap today
Ha, not easier done than said

I look in the mirror
with a scowl and a grunt
step on the scale
and give it a furious punt

I walk into the baby's room
with one eye half shut
I take a wiff to smell
her nasty little butt

Then she looks at me
with that toothless grin
as if to say
Where have you been?

She giggles and squeels
and blows a few bubbles
And I think to myself, boy
I can get used to these troubles.

Ive never been so
exhausted,fat, and energy depleted
I've never felt so loved
content, warm, and needed

For what she takes
I get back ten fold
So its all very worth it
even if I feel 80 years old