Being a Stay at Home Parent - Shameful??

When I decided that I wanted to be a stay at home parent, I thought I was making the best decision for our family, including myself. I was proud and confident that it was the best choice. We have had to make sacrifices. I never buy high end, brand name clothing. I do not get my nails done. We live in a modest home. But we have what we need and then some. And to me, any of the sacrifices that have been made are well worth it.

What I didn’t expect was the stigma attached to being a stay at home parent. What I didn’t foresee were the condescending remarks. What I didn’t predict were the feelings of worthlessness brought on by the above mentioned issues.

My step daughter went to a daycare provider from the age of 8 weeks until 5 years. Her parents needed to work and they did not have a choice. And while she did receive adequate care, I witnessed her basically being raised by her babysitter. She is now 6 and is as smart as can be. She is polite and basically just a very good kid. I am in no way taking the stance that daycare is a wrong choice. But it wasn’t my choice. And I felt in every bone in my body that I was making the very right choice for us.

I cannot count the multitude of rude, condescending, and negative comments I have had said directly to me and behind my back regarding my staying at home with my daughter. I have heard remarks such as:

“It must be nice to sit at home all day.”

“Don’t you want to do more with your life?”

“You’re a smart girl, but you’re not getting any younger...don’t let the grass grow under your feet.”

“We don’t ALL have time like you do Heather.”

“Aren’t you worried about being dependant on your husband?”

Sit home all day? Man, I wish. I am more exhausted now than I have ever been in my life. I have never had a fulltime job that was as draining and tiring as I do now. I also have not had one that is as fulfilling.

Do more with my life? I thought I was doing a lot with my life. I am a mother, a wife, a step mother, a chef, a teacher, a life coach, a house manager, a book keeper, a receptionist, a personal assistant, a chauffeur, an event planner, a nurse, and a writer. Will I do more as my daughter gets older? Likely, yes. I will eventually get my Bachelors Degree. And yes, I will work outside the home sometime in the future. Will I ever be a career woman? Probably not. That isn’t me. That is not my nature. Does that make me lazy? If you chose to believe so that is your choice. I do not.

Am I worried about being dependant on my husband? Financially, yes. That is something I do think about. That is one of the sacrifices I feel am making. But my dependency is not one sided. My husband is also very dependant on me. If I weren’t doing all the work that I do, he would not be able to lead the life he lives. Believe me; he needs me just as much as I need him, if not more.

And these are all about me personally. I also hear comments about how my child isn’t getting all she needs because she is not in a daycare. Though I do now , at 18 months, have her in a daycare 2 hours a day 3 days a week for socialization.

How did something I felt to be so right become something of which to be ashamed? When did it become a world where a woman must work 40+ hours a week to be worthwhile and meaningful? Is a woman who spends endless hours dedicated to her career anymore valid or important than a woman who spends endless hours dedicated to her family?

It has gotten to the point that when I meet a woman who has a Masters Degree, works 50 hours at the office, and sees her children 2 hours a day - I actually feel intimidated. I feel two feet tall next to some women because of what society and even close friends and family have nagged into my psyche.

I realize I am responsible for my own feelings. And I realize that I should not depend on the opinions of others to form my own self worth. And you better believe I am working hard to replace these opinions and judgments with my own self validation. Because I will not allow a money and success driven community to minimalize my life and my choices. And just because I wear flip flops instead of high heels, drink apple juice instead of martinis, and change diapers instead of toner cartridges doesn’t mean you or anyone else is better than me. I am a damn good mother. I am a damn wife. And I am a damn good woman.