Good Bye Normie

About 15 years ago, in my junior year of high school, our family adopted a Vietnamese Pot Belly Pig. Well, WE didn’t, my step father did. I had heard about this pig being at the animal shelter in one of my classes. So, I casually mentioned it in conversation with my step dad that afternoon. He left the house shortly after. About an hour later he came home with this year old grunting black pig. He was scared and SCARY!! Let’s just say he was not the loving cuddly creatures you sometimes read about. He would ram our legs with his head and grunt most ominously. Many of our friends were afraid of him, though really he could do no harm.

We named him Norman. I actually had the privilege of naming him and did so after George Wendt’s character on Cheers. For some reason our local paper had heard of the news and did a story on Norman. Pig lives in city home as pet – for some strange reason that was newsworthy. So, for the rest of the semester my economics teacher referred to me as ‘pig girl’. That was fun.

Though Normie had his rough exterior (both figuratively and literally) he did manage to grunt his way into our hearts. He slept in my parent’s closet on a bed made of blankets. He would spend his days roaming and sleeping (mostly sleeping) about the yard. He loved to eat apples (and probably anything else you may drop at your feet). He lived a good life.

Yesterday, Norman had to leave us. He was euthanized due to his deteriorating health. There will be a void in our hearts and in my parent’s home. The Norman Era has ended. And though we all know it was the best decision for him, we still feel a great sadness and loss.

Bye bye Normie. Now you can eat all the apples you want and sleep in the warm sunshine of eternity. We will miss you.

Constitutional Ban on Gay Marriage

On November 7th Wisconsin voters will have the opportunity to vote for this constitutional ban:

"Only a marriage between one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state. A legal status identical or substantially similar to that of marriage for unmarried individuals shall not be valid or recognized in this state."

In my perspective I cannot even fathom the idea that in the year 2006 we even have to address something like this. I cannot believe that there are people that exist that actually are bothered and want to fight against love and marriage. In a world full of hate, war, divorce, and anger...people chose to stand against THIS? The divorce rate among heterosexual couples is more than 50%. You think WE have expert advice to give on the topic?

You may think "what is the big deal"..."marriage is just a piece of paper anyway"...

Being married is more than just a piece of paper. Legal unions give couple's rights that they are otherwise not entitled. If one were to fall ill and they needed someone to speak for their medical rights and wishes, their partner would not be allowed to do so under current law. Not to mention insurance benefits. We all must realize the strain there is on society with uninsured and underinsured citizens. Marriage gives spouses insurance opportunities they wouldn't have without marriage.

Do you realize that it was not long ago that there were laws against a white person marring a black person? Today, that sounds ludicrous, doesn't it? This is no different.

People want to argue this topic on the grounds of morality. People argue that sexual preference is not comparable to gender or race. I beg to differ. I have heard someone argue, “A black person cannot stop being black, but a gay person can stop being gay.” I do not believe this to be true. A homosexual person may be able to live a life unauthentic ally due to the strains that society weighs upon them, but that does not mean they are no longer homosexual. Just because you cannot physically see who a person is doesn’t make it less true. You cannot visually recognize a person’s religion, but that doesn’t mean that religious discrimination doesn’t exist. What you CAN always see, however, is that they are simply human. Please, treat them as such.

Please urge your friends and family members to not only VOTE, but vote for what is right. Everyone deserves the same benefits, rights, and responsibilities in our society. Our laws and constitution need to reflect that.

Please visit the following site and sign their petition:
http://www.fairwisconsin.com/index.html

Removing the Mask

Our masks that protect us
Our armor that shields
These walls of comfort
To others just yields

How can they care
If they never see the real you
How can they love
If they never really knew

We hide in fear
Cowering in corners
We beg for understanding
But live like mourners

Some masks heavy
Almost like stone
Others are clear
And loosely sewn

What mask do you carry
Exhaustingly upon your face
How solid is the wall
Around your space

Perhaps it is time to take a peek
At a life without the veil
See what is really out there
Sans the weight, you may just sail

Lift it gently, put it in a box
Give your thanks, say goodbye
Let the world see the real you
And no longer live a lie

Okay, I am Committed...Or I SHOULD Be Committed..

I just finished filling my weekly medication container. You know the kind...the plastic with the flip top lids for each day of the week...I am sure you have seen one at your 85 year old grandmother's house. Anyway, I just filled mine for the next 7 days. Starting tomorrow I am taking my new heart medication. I was suppose to start a week ago, but have been procrastinating big time. I am so terrified about taking this new medication. I honestly have a fear that I can die from this switch. Why? Why am I so paranoid? Why do I have to catastrophize every little medical thing in my life? Okay...so here is what I am afraid could happen...

1. Die

2. Go into a scary arrythmia and have to go to ER to be converted

3. Have more tachycardia and palpitations (that the med won't work as well as the one I am on now)

4. Heightened anxiety (have already been told this is quite likely)

5. That I will gain weight


Okay. Those are my fears. I need to TRY to be more positive. Say things like

1. You will feel so much better on this new med

2. You will be able to breathe easier

3. You will have a ton more energy

4. You will be able to exercise more

5. You will lose weight easier

6. You will have less palpitations

7. You will not notice any change in anxiety


So, why are those harder for me to accept?? Ugghhh..I really annoy myself.

If I live, I will let you know how it goes. If I don't well, love ya miss ya.

United 93 - A Review

This weekend I saw the film United 93. Prior to seeing the movie I had looked up some reviews on the internet. Within different forums, I have found that many people feel that this story, along with the entire 9/11 tragedy, a conspiracy created by our own government. I was shocked as I have never heard these accusations before. I was also surprised at how many people seem to believe this. My review of the movie is not going to try to debate any political beliefs. I am not going to ponder, in this blog, the relevance of a possible conspiracy nor defend the ludicracy of the speculation. I am simply going to tell you how I felt about the film itself.

The movie was shot in a documentary fashion, a lot of camera movement. The actors were not big shot Hollywood types. In fact, I only recognized two ‘extras’ from older TV shows. The acting itself was very real. There was stuttering, mumbling, and what I consider to be real life dialogue (which is rarely seen in a typically movie). This made the movie very realistic to me. I felt as though I was there, which was a very emotional experience for me. I almost physically got sick twice, I was anxious, cried through out the movie at different parts, my throat tightened, and after the film I was shaken and exhausted.

With my sensitive tendencies, this movie was actual work to watch. But I am glad I saw it. I thought it was very well acted, edited, and directed. I felt it was done with the best of intentions. So many emotions filtered through me during the movie. Deep sadness, anxiety, pride, faith, empathy…I believe this film should be seen by all simply for these emotions. I feel that our society lacks humanity in its purist forms and perhaps we need stories, movies, events like this to shock us back into what and who we are suppose to be…people; people with kindness and compassion, people without constant apathy and distain.

For those who argue that validity of this film, for those who think it is far from factual and even go as far to say it is a lie, I say it isn’t about that. I say maybe there is a deeper purpose for this film and films alike. I felt that purpose. And still feel it. I suggest you feel it too.

Killing Ourselves with Protection?

It is becoming more and more apparent to me that the numbers of people with allergies are increasing significantly in the past several years. I being one of them. I developed hay fever in my early twenties. Excessive sneezing, congestion, trouble breathing through my nose, terrible sinus headaches are some of my symptoms. Last year, I finally bit the bullet and visited an allergist. I now take Zyrtec and Nasacort. My symptoms have virtually disappeared.

This past week I have noticed that my 19 month old daughter has unfortunately taken on my malady. Same times of year. Same symptoms. But on a small child, they seem so exaggerated. My daughter has been home with me since she was born. I only just started bringing her to a daycare in the past 2 months for a few hours a week for socialization development. Other than that, she hasn’t had much exposure to other children and their ‘cooties’. I am certainly not a germaphobe, and I am not constantly disinfecting everything. But I think that her lack of exposure may play a part in why allergies are affecting her at such a young age.

Seasonal allergy symptoms are basically our body’s reacting to elements in the environment that are not in themselves harmful. But because our immune system finds them to be inhaled strangers, it releases histamine to fight the off the strangers. And the histamine causes inflammation which is what causes many of the symptoms.

When I was a kid, we played outside from morning to night. We never had antibacterial soap, hand wipes, or sanitizing gel. We sat in contaminated grocery carts, we ate off the tables in restaurants, and sat on public toilet seats. All of these things are quite foreign to children today. We, as a society, are constantly cleaning, sanitizing, disinfecting…all of our products are antibacterial…and everyone is immunized and given antibiotics for everything that can or does ail us.

I sincerely feel that this over protection is weakening our immune systems. And I think it could actually be what kills the human race in the long run. If we react to these actions with allergies, I have to wonder what other problems we are creating or giving more power to with all of this armor. Cancers? Asthma? Lactose intolerance? I wonder if we didn’t avoid illness and discomfort to the extent that we do, especially with our children, perhaps they would be stronger to fight off the bigger, more dangerous illnesses to come. I wonder if exposure to chicken pox, colds, and mumps may actually make us stronger individually and as a civilization.

Just something I am thinking about. I have immunized my daughter for everything her Dr. suggested. I gave her antibiotics twice for ear infections. And I even keep her home when she has the sniffles. But I do have to wonder, am I really doing her and society a favor? Something to think about.

Are All Men This...This...This...UUGGHH!!!

Last night the baby went to bed around 8pm. She woke up crying and screaming at about 10pm. I tried to persuade Charlie into going in there to check on her, but he was seemingly sleeping through all the yelps and whines, or at least pretending to. I slithered out of bed having just fallen asleep myself and went into her room. The only apparent problem was a stuffy nose. I gave her some water and tucked her back in. As I lay back down, the screaming returned in a much louder and frantic fashion. This time I was able to rouse Charlie. He went in there and sternly garbled, “Back to bed right now, Cassidy!” And then he came back to bed, falling asleep immediately. Well, she had other plans. She continued her opposition until 1:30am. I tried everything. We even ended up taking a bath at 1am thinking that would help her congestion, as minor as it seemed to me. That was a big mistake. She was even more awake and proceeded to run around the house demanding Rollie Ollie (her favorite tv show) and climbing in and out of our bed.

Somehow through about 95% of the yelling, crying, screaming, pounding, water splashing, etc…Charlie remained asleep. And I am talking mouth open, drool running, fast asleep.

Finally, somehow…I think I was sleep walking so the details are fuzzy…she did end up going back to sleep between 1:30 and 2am. As I slide back into bed, sore and tired as can be, the cats start racing through the house. Back and forth, banging into things, they were causing quite a loud ruckus. They were chasing a mouse. What mouse comes into a clean home adorning two cats at 2am? Apparently they are not all as witty and astute as Mickey.

As I leaned over to see what they were doing, debating on saving the mouse from my darling predators, my husband slurs the following words to me. These words I will never forget. These words are the reason we will never have a gun in the home. These words WILL make him pay.

In a very annoyed tone, “Heather, I really need to get some sleep, just lay down.”

Needless to say, at this early morning hour…I am a force to reckon with. And let the heavens watch over this man tonight as I stand above his sleeping head with a pillow.

Another Day...Another Worry

I swear, I will never be normal. I am just a problem child to the core. I went to see my family doctor today because of some discomforts and concerns I have been having in the recent past. What, you ask? Alright, stop begging, I will tell you. It seems lately that I tire very easily with very minimal exertion. My heart will pound, my head will spin, I will be short of breath, and I will get unusually hot.

I take a medication referred to as a beta blocker. This is for a fast heart rate and palpitations. And while it works quite well for that, it also makes me quite tired and now may be causing this shortness of breath as it can bring about exercise induced asthma.

My doctor believes this is the problem, the medication that is. But to eliminate any possibility of heart problems because of my family history (my father had open heart surgery in his 30s), I have to take what is called a Stress Echocardiogram Test on Tuesday. This basically has me freaking out especially since I cannot take my medication that morning before the test and I have to go alone. From what I understand, I will be hooked up to machines that can monitor my heart in several ways. Then I will have to run on a treadmill for about 20 minutes as it progressively gets more difficult. This is pretty much how I imagine hell to be.

If the test comes back normal – please cross your fingers – then my doctor wants to switch my medication. No big deal you may be thinking. Well, for me, it is. It is extremely difficult for me to take a new prescription. I have great anxiety every time I have to do it. But in this case it is even worse. The possible side effects can actually be very serious. And the new medication could make my problem worse instead of better. I will also have to go through several weeks of adjustments trying to find the right dosage.

Needless to say, I am a nervous wreck. I am so afraid. And not just of one outcome, I fear all the possible outcomes!! I fear that damn test from hell. I fear being there alone and having a heart attack right there on the treadmill. I fear them finding a serious heart problem. I fear having some horrible asthma attack because my big butt cannot run for more than a minute – if that. I fear having to change medications. I fear I will never ever again feel healthy, happy, and normal.

I just need someone to put their arms around me and assure me that all will be fine. Assure me that my heart is young, healthy, and strong. Assure me that I will live until I am 100. Assure me that this will only improve my life and I will live happily ever after. Can you do that for me? Can anyone out there do that for me? Am I really asking so much?

Anyway. I am done bitching…for now.

Exhausting Vigilance - Dealing with Health Anxiety

My pulse is about 73. Temperature is 97.6. I wonder if I am hyperventilating. The doctor still hasn’t called with my blood test results. What if something is abnormal? I am only 31 and am not ready to die. God, what if its cancer? Or heart disease, please don’t be heart disease. Imagine having these thought on a regular basis. Imagine having them daily, or even hourly! This is being in a state of constant awareness and extreme sensitivity. Is this what Health Anxiety causes or is this what caused the Anxiety? There is this line between sensible caution and hyper vigilance. One day I catapulted over that line and it’s been hell finding my way back to the other side.

Since the age of 23, I have had what was diagnosed as Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I battled through many different medications and several therapists. I would go into year long remissions with no symptoms what so ever. It would strike again for a while, and then leave. A very disruptive yoyo. When I would have these panic attacks, it would always start with a feeling that my heart was racing, though it never occurred to me to take my pulse. I would sweat, my throat would tighten, and I was certain I was dying. I even went to the ER several times only to be given a xanax, patted on the head, and sent out the door. I remember one ER visit quite clearly. I felt as though I was about to pass out. The RN was taking my pulse and she kept re-taking it as though something must have been wrong. She continually asked me if I was on any kind of drugs. I kept telling her no. I had even given up coffee at that point. I never even asked what my heart rate was. Never thought to ask. I just trusted them and waited for the xanax to kick in, as it eventually did.

In Spring of 2003, I was preparing for my wedding when I began feeling these flutters in my chest, like a fish flopping around beneath my ribs. I could actually feel my heart skipping beats. I later found out that these were PVCs (premature ventricular contractions). I had been anxiety symptom free for years and feeling quite “normal” until then. These flutters did make me nervous, but I tried to pass them off as indigestion and just started popping Rolaids. However, it did create some anxiety and I went back into counseling. After about 7 months or so, I was doing so well that the counselor thought I didn’t need her services anymore at that time. I was really making strides dealing with the anxiety and doing so without a daily medication.

It was a Friday in December of 2003, and I was home doing the dishes. I was looking forward to going out to dinner with my husband that night. I bent over to pick something up when it happened. I felt that familiar flutter and then what was about to occur was in no way familiar. My heart began to race. But much faster than anything I had felt before. I broke out into a cold sweat. And I had a feeling of sheer doom. I tried to take my pulse and it was too fast to count. I counted about 120 or so but I couldn’t be sure. Normal resting rate is about 60-90 beats per minute. I tried to calm down, but that was impossible. I decided to drive myself to the ER. I realized later that was a big mistake because I could likely have passed out and not only put my life in danger, but the lives of everyone else on the road. When I arrived my pulse was 155. They immediately hooked me up, gave me tests, and sat with me the full four hours this carried on. Finally I was given a beta blocker medication and my pulse went back to normal. My chest hurt. It felt the same way the muscles feel the day after a hard workout.

The following Monday I visited a cardiologist. She diagnosed me with SVT (supraventricular tachycardia). She said I likely had it for many years and probably never had Anxiety and Panic Disorder. Apparently the symptoms are pretty much identical, and they are very often confused. Great. For the past several years I have been convincing myself my heart was fine. Was all that wasted energy? How could I ever trust anyone again? How could I even trust my own instincts? I spent over 8 years undiagnosed and untreated. In fact, many of the medications I had been prescribed for the anxiety (SSRIs and Tricyclic Antidepressants) were aggravating the heart condition. I was told that this is a benign arrhythmia and would not threaten my life. And I was told to continue taking the beta blocker medication indefinitely. But I couldn’t stop worrying.

Regardless of whether or not I had anxiety disorder for all those prior years, I defiantly had it after this episode. I was panic stricken. Throughout the following months I struggled with this experience. I have doubted the words of physicians and their staff. I have made so many phone calls and asked so many questions. It was clear I became an extreme annoyance to everyone in my Cardiologist’s office. I had looked up every possible article on the internet and tried to read everything I could about this condition. What I have learned is that basically, there isn’t much to learn. I have learned that you can flood yourself with enough information to suffocate your mind and give wings to your fears.

I became pregnant shortly after the diagnosis and continued to take the medication. I began feeling great. No anxiety, no panic, no flutters. I felt better than I had in years. After having my beautiful little girl, however, the anxieties returned, but things were different. I began obsessing about my health and mortality. I was so afraid I was somehow going to die suddenly and leave my baby behind. The very thought was so scary and depressing to me and yet I fully realized it was all so irrational. Nonetheless, I couldn’t make those thought, those ‘what ifs,’ disappear.

I began realizing that I was overly sensitive to everything. I could feel my blood pressure drop one point. I could feel the food digesting in my abdomen. I could feel the slightest amount of adrenaline released from my brain and I hated it. With every discomfort, sensation, stimuli came the intense fear. A headache was an aneurysm. Reflux was a heart attack. Simple things that normal people feel everyday somehow became my signs of impending death. I became so vigilant about recognizing symptoms so I could avoid death that I was not living. I was unable to enjoy a wonderful life with my family. I was unable to live fully. As much as I wanted to stay alive, I was living a life that was anything but alive.

I have decided that even if this is my last day on this earth, I needed to enjoy it to the best of my ability. I have realized that not one of us knows how long we have. We all, like it or not, will die. But the only way to fight that fear of dying is to live well. I needed to make some changes. I began therapy. I journal. I even take medication daily. I am defiantly on the path to returning to my life. The life I have been so vigilantly fighting for. The life I have always wanted. I refuse to miss out on each day I am given. Some days are harder than others. Some days I need to write a bit more in my journal. Some days I need to make a conscious effort not to give in to the fear. But other days, most days, I can live as though I truly am a normal person. I say that tongue in cheek because, truly, how many of us are really normal.

I know there are many people out there with feelings similar to the ones I have experienced. I want those people to know that there is a way out. Whether it be through therapy, medication, meditation, distraction, journaling…there is a way out for you. It will not be easy. It will not be quick. But it will be. You are not alone. And right now, this very moment, you are alive. So now, start living.

Freaked About a Strange Dream

Last night I had a dream that has me kind of freaked out. I will explain it and you can let me know what you think…

I was in a hospital. I wanted to go home, but the nurse said that I couldn’t because my heart was still at 120. We were waiting for the Dr to come see me, but he was busy and I wasn’t considered a serious case. Also, for some reason, the heart Doc we were waiting for was my ex husband. Anyway, while we were waiting, a man came up to me with a gurney and told me to get on that he was to take me some where. I got on and he wheeled me really fast down all these hallways. It was fun and I was laughing. Then we were outside of the hospital and in a cemetery. He rolled me up to an open grave and I asked if it was mine. He said yes. I complained because I didn’t like the location. It was next to a bunch of strange sloppy graves that had a bunch of junk all over them and was next to a big pine tree. Suddenly I began to realize I was dead. Then IN MY DREAM, I woke up…but I wasn’t REALLY awake, I just thought I was. I was next to a window and I started to ascend out through the window and up into the sky. I was grabbing leaves and branches as I was flying slowly upward. I was kind of scared, but I had a weird fun, happy kind of feeling too. Then I was like in a field of some sort. A lot of grassy hills I think. And I just kept calling “God? God?” No one answered or appeared and I woke up.

Everything felt so real. I was very anxious and almost breathless when I awoke.

I have been so afraid that this dream means I may die soon.

I am 31. I have an 18 month old. And I have a severe fear of death.

Any words of wisdom??

My mom has precognitive dreams. But she complains because they are “stupid” and “insignificant”. Like last night she dreamt about a coffee table made with sand in it. This morning she watched a home deco show and watched as a woman was making a table with sand in it. She said it happens all the time. I told her that it isn’t stupid or insignificant. That it is just nature/God/Universe’s way of trying to get her to pay attention to that sense.

Anyway, perhaps this kind of thing is genetic?? What if I am going to die?? I am really quite fearful. This dream has me all freaked out.

Being a Stay at Home Parent - Shameful??

When I decided that I wanted to be a stay at home parent, I thought I was making the best decision for our family, including myself. I was proud and confident that it was the best choice. We have had to make sacrifices. I never buy high end, brand name clothing. I do not get my nails done. We live in a modest home. But we have what we need and then some. And to me, any of the sacrifices that have been made are well worth it.

What I didn’t expect was the stigma attached to being a stay at home parent. What I didn’t foresee were the condescending remarks. What I didn’t predict were the feelings of worthlessness brought on by the above mentioned issues.

My step daughter went to a daycare provider from the age of 8 weeks until 5 years. Her parents needed to work and they did not have a choice. And while she did receive adequate care, I witnessed her basically being raised by her babysitter. She is now 6 and is as smart as can be. She is polite and basically just a very good kid. I am in no way taking the stance that daycare is a wrong choice. But it wasn’t my choice. And I felt in every bone in my body that I was making the very right choice for us.

I cannot count the multitude of rude, condescending, and negative comments I have had said directly to me and behind my back regarding my staying at home with my daughter. I have heard remarks such as:

“It must be nice to sit at home all day.”

“Don’t you want to do more with your life?”

“You’re a smart girl, but you’re not getting any younger...don’t let the grass grow under your feet.”

“We don’t ALL have time like you do Heather.”

“Aren’t you worried about being dependant on your husband?”

Sit home all day? Man, I wish. I am more exhausted now than I have ever been in my life. I have never had a fulltime job that was as draining and tiring as I do now. I also have not had one that is as fulfilling.

Do more with my life? I thought I was doing a lot with my life. I am a mother, a wife, a step mother, a chef, a teacher, a life coach, a house manager, a book keeper, a receptionist, a personal assistant, a chauffeur, an event planner, a nurse, and a writer. Will I do more as my daughter gets older? Likely, yes. I will eventually get my Bachelors Degree. And yes, I will work outside the home sometime in the future. Will I ever be a career woman? Probably not. That isn’t me. That is not my nature. Does that make me lazy? If you chose to believe so that is your choice. I do not.

Am I worried about being dependant on my husband? Financially, yes. That is something I do think about. That is one of the sacrifices I feel am making. But my dependency is not one sided. My husband is also very dependant on me. If I weren’t doing all the work that I do, he would not be able to lead the life he lives. Believe me; he needs me just as much as I need him, if not more.

And these are all about me personally. I also hear comments about how my child isn’t getting all she needs because she is not in a daycare. Though I do now , at 18 months, have her in a daycare 2 hours a day 3 days a week for socialization.

How did something I felt to be so right become something of which to be ashamed? When did it become a world where a woman must work 40+ hours a week to be worthwhile and meaningful? Is a woman who spends endless hours dedicated to her career anymore valid or important than a woman who spends endless hours dedicated to her family?

It has gotten to the point that when I meet a woman who has a Masters Degree, works 50 hours at the office, and sees her children 2 hours a day - I actually feel intimidated. I feel two feet tall next to some women because of what society and even close friends and family have nagged into my psyche.

I realize I am responsible for my own feelings. And I realize that I should not depend on the opinions of others to form my own self worth. And you better believe I am working hard to replace these opinions and judgments with my own self validation. Because I will not allow a money and success driven community to minimalize my life and my choices. And just because I wear flip flops instead of high heels, drink apple juice instead of martinis, and change diapers instead of toner cartridges doesn’t mean you or anyone else is better than me. I am a damn good mother. I am a damn wife. And I am a damn good woman.

Dress Code - Letter to the Editor

This is a Letter to the Editor I wrote which should be published this week.

To the Editor:

I feel that perhaps I am among the sparse few who support the new dress code for Gilmore Middle School. In fact, I wouldn’t mind it being Unified-wide. I personally think it is a really good idea. When I drive past schools or see school age children in public, I am many times shocked at the clothing they are wearing. Belly shirts that say “hottie” or “boy crazy” on a ten year old? Tight jeans that reveal a 15 year old’s thong underwear? You cannot really blame the kids as this is what is pushed in their faces by media everyday. You can however blame parents for allowing their kids to dress this way. But once again, the school has to pick up the slack of lazy and irresponsible parenting. I have heard people complain about the lack of expression these new dress codes are allowing the children. Are you telling me that the only way kids know how to express themselves is through their clothing? Why not teach your child to express themselves through art, writing, and drama – anything other than clothing. Even a hairstyle can be a form of expression. Why must a child conform to the clothing ads in a magazine, paying outrageous prices for brand names, in order to express themselves? I think a dress code is a great way to teach children that they have inner value and that what they wear should not be who they are. In a world devoured by commercialism and high profits, in a country void of values, I think this is a lesson that needs to be instilled at an early age. I applaud this decision made for Gilmore and hope people will come to see it is for the best.

Nine Lives (2005) - A Review

Searching the aisles of Blockbuster this morning I was craving a movie that would be one worthy of a rare partial afternoon of freedom. I came across a cover that wasn’t necessarily appealing, but I was drawn to it anyway. As I picked it up and read the long list of impressive cast on the cover, I decided to rent it. The movie, Nine Lives, which was written and directed by Rodrigo García adorned many fine actors such as Sissy Spacek, Kathy Baker, Glenn Close, Dakota Fanning, and Robin Wright-Penn – just to name a few.

The movie is essentially, in a very basic description, a peek into a window of nine women’s lives. A quick ten minute glimpse into an emotional, human, captivating moment in the lives of women we know, love, and become daily. Each story leaves the audience to fill in their own blanks to a certain extent. But it is written in a way, and most defiantly acted in a way, that evokes a very purposeful emotion in those who chose to accept that what they are watching is truly the reality in our very own lives.

Each segment, each short story which very subtlety intersects with the others, was shot without a single cut. It was very much like watching short ten minute plays. It was very intriguing the way this film was made.

The direction, writing, and acting were beyond and above the typical movie and I can easily say it is a new addition to my top ten. I cannot think of a single criticism. Oh wait. I do have one complaint. I am depressed when I see a movie so compelling. It saddens me to come to the realization that I will never be able to even step foot into a realm of writing from which films like this are born. The thoughts that are typed onto paper by writers such as Garcia seem so far from anything in my capabilities. So, there is my one critique. My inferiority. Other than that, this movie is worth watching more than once. It is worth buying. It is worth discussing. And it was more than worth my 2 hours of Sunday freedom.

Now, I must change a diaper and fold 2 loads of laundry while I wait for the roast to finish cooking.

Poem for My Step Daughter

My hair is not like yours at all
And you do not have my eyes
From my womb you were not born
But we do have special ties

I wanted to teach you everything
East from West, right from wrong
And all there is to know

I loved and cared for you
The very best I knew how
Even when it didn’t show

I wish you all the very best
And a life made for kings

You are sweet, smart and deserve the most
For your name the future sings

A Poem For Cassidy

Since you were born I’ve wondered
Is it possible my heart has grown
The love I have for you my dear
Can be felt in every bone

I watch in great wonder
As you learn, laugh, and grow
You are glowing and brilliant
Magnificent from head to toe

Your kisses and hugs
Bring tears to my eyes
New words everyday
Bring on proud sighs

Words are just too limited
To express my love for you

Each time I look into those eyes
I feel something brand new

You will always be
My magic spark
My saving grace
My light in the dark

Thank you for choosing me
To be your mom and all
I never knew so much love
Could be just three feet tall

Freedomland - A Review

Freedomland – A Review

Today I went to see Freedomland starring Samuel L. Jackson, Julianne Moore, and Edie Falco. I hadn’t heard much about it beforehand and didn’t quite know what to expect.

I have a tendency to be very sensitive to movies. I use a lot of tissue at the theatres’ expense. And have been afflicted with what I call ‘theatre throat’ many times. Theatre throat is that very uncomfortable tightness you feel in your throat due to your attempt to suppress a cry while watching a movie in the midst of others with whom you wish to remain composed. I am sure some of you out there with actual emotions know of what I am speaking.

While watching Freedomland, I had thee worst theatre throat ever! And it is not like I really held it in all that much either. This movie was very emotional, powerful, and disturbing. It was also suspenseful as you really weren’t sure what direction it was going to take you. This is one of those movies that could have several alternate endings and all likely would have been superb. I have not read the book, but did get the impression a lot was left out of the movie, as there were some loose ends. But nevertheless, the good outweighed the bad.

The most breathtaking aspect of this film was the acting preformed by Julianne Moore. Not once in the entire movie did I see her as an actress. She was a disturbed, heartbroken, fearful mother from start to finish. Her acting in this movie was undoubtedly one of the best performances I have literally ever seen. I have read in other reviews that some of her character’s lines made no sense, that they didn’t fit in with the dialogue. My answer to this is quite simple. Put yourself in the characters shoes and then tell me everything you say is going to be articulate, poignant, and sensible. I thought her script and acting made this one of the most believable characters I have ever seen on screen. I am a highly sensitive person, and I could feel such energy from her scenes that I normally do not feel unless it is real life footage of real people. I felt her pain. She was real. And THAT is what acting is all about.

Not to ignore the magnificent Sam Jackson who was also quite illuminating in his own right. And a particular scene with Edie Falco was fascinating.

This won’t be a long review as I try very hard not to give any spoilers. And even more than that, they are few words to describe how moving and memorable this film was to me.

Letter to the Editor - All Day Kindergarten

I am writing in support of the proposal for All Day Kindergarten. I think this is a very exceptional idea for several reasons.

I believe that children are very capable of learning at very young ages, even if that learning is primarily socialization and following instruction. I think that starting education at an early age will only be beneficial to our future society. People complain about the failure rate of RUSD students, they bellyache that younger generations cannot ‘compete’ with those of other countries, and they criticize the state of our communities. And yes, it is up to parents to instill values, manners, and the sense of right and wrong within their own children. But let’s face it that simply isn’t happening in every household. For children to be able to be in a structured environment learning at an early age will only be valuable to all of us in the long run.

Also, I have heard it be said that this proposal is nothing more than a tax-paid babysitter. That is ridiculous. Yes, daycare is very expensive and many times it is simply more economical for a parent to stay home and not work instead of sending their child to daycare. And being a stay at home mother, I do see the benefits of this everyday and wouldn’t change my situation regardless of income. However, my daughter is only 18 months. When she is of kindergarten age, I know she will need more than I can provide. And 3 hours a day is simply not enough time to teach them to the extent they are capable of learning. And at that time, I will then be able to get back into the workforce. Doesn’t that benefit our economy?

I suppose there will always be people to bash any decisions made by RUSD. You certainly cannot please all of the people all of the time (or even some of the time). But I felt the need to voice my support for this advantageous proposal.

Why I Think I MAY Be an Empath

The past couple of months I have read or heard things that have led me down a path of considering the possibility of my being an empath. Now, please know I am not saying I am certain or that I am sure this truly exists. But the things I have learned about this ring so true to my own experiences that it is difficult to ignore. I have so many questions and it is really not a topic that is easy to learn about, especially from an actual expert or advisor. If anyone out there can offer any information that may help in my ‘research’, I would be more than appreciative. Here are some reasons why I think I MAY be an empathy or something of the sort. Some of these are copied from other posts I have made.

1. Since I can remember I have been highly sensitive – both physically and emotionally. I will feel a sensation, discomfort, or emotion suddenly for no apparent reason and this usually led to great anxiety.

2. When I go under street lights, they turn off. Not always, but A LOT. I have been told this is due to a high level of kinetic energy and that most people with this energy are born healers.

3. I always know when someone is being dishonest or untrue in someway to me. Whether I chose to acknowledge it or not, I always – deep down – know. Always.

4. I also always know when someone is talking about me, betraying, or disrespecting me. I can’t explain how or why…but I know.

5. I feel a VERY strong connection with animals. I feel they know I am safe. My compassion for animals is very heightened.

6. I feel physical symptoms that cannot be medically explained. Some chronic, some periodically. Anything from sudden tachycardia to a huge mark on my leg to chest pain.

7. Many times when I feel these sudden unexplained bouts of symptoms or anxiety, I will later find out of a tragedy. Here are a couple examples:

- The day before 9/11, I laid on the bathroom floor throwing up and crying. I was in a very deep depression and was physically sick. It was completely out of nowhere and completely unexplained. I called the Dr. and made an appt for the next day, thinking perhaps I was pregnant. On my way to the Dr. I was listening to the radio when the planes hit the World Trade Center. At that moment, that feeling of doom and sickness simply lifted away. I was so very sad of course about the whole tragedy, but it was like everyone else’s sadness. Not the deep sorrow I was feeling the day previous.

- The night the miners in Virginia died in the collapsed mine, I had this same feeling. Along with it was vertigo, which I had never experienced in my life, and trouble breathing fully. I was also suddenly extremely fatigued. I laid in bed all night. The next morning I had heard that the men had died.

These are just a couple examples.

8. I have a very hard time dealing with unauthentic people. People who are dishonest and untrue to themselves and others. This means, I have a hard time dealing with most people in general. I am a hermit type who usually chooses a loner lifestyle.

9. I am always searching for reasons. The Whys in life. When I cannot know, when there is simply an unknown – it drives me crazy. This is why I believe death is so hard for me to come to terms with. Death is the ultimate unknown.

10. Unfairness, injustice…bothers me more than most. I cannot seem to just let things go as others seem to be able to do.

11. I am always tired and drained. Always.

12. I have a very hard time biting my tongue. I say what I feel when I feel it and if I don’t or can’t, it eats away at me.


As I think of more, I will update. Again, anyone out there with thoughts on this, please post a comment or email me – cheers44@hotmail.com. I am very interested to hear whatever you may have to say.

Would Love to Hear From You...

I would love to hear stories from others experiencing similar situations to the ones I expressed in my previous post about feeling a sort of precognitive empathy..and perhaps anxiety or physical discomfort that comes with that...ANYONE???

Young Death and Some Other Thoughts

Reading the newspaper this morning, which I usually tend to avoid due to all the negativity, I read an obituary that has me perplexed and sad. There is a woman who was the exact same age as me, a week younger in fact, who has died. I didn’t know this woman and we did not attend the same schools. But I knew several people that have known her throughout the years, so I have heard of her. I also went on one blind date with her twin brother in high school. It did not go well, so a second date was never to be. She was 31 years old, married, with young children. Reading the memorial, she obviously had many loved ones and was even Godmother to 3 or 4 different children. I find this all so very sad.

Why did she die? The obituary gives no clues and I have found no articles regarding her being involved in an accident. I have the email of one friend who knows her so I am awaiting a response from her. I cannot get this out of my mind. It is like I need to know HOW she died. Is that completely morbid? I certainly do not mean to be. As I said, I am just very perplexed and sad. And I didn’t even know her.

Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I woke up with terrible heart palpitations. PVCs as they are known in the arrhythmia world. I do get them and have been getting used to them, but this was the first time they woke me up and were so frequent. I took my medication and they did improve. But this feeling of doom and dread did not cease. Even though I was not panic stricken, I had this concern all day about my heart and having a possible heart attack. My mother and husband both tell me over and over that I am fine, healthy, and young…and to stop worrying. But then I read this obituary and am reminded that age has little to do with death and when it can strike.

I know I need to come to a peaceful acceptance about death. I need to conform to the knowledge that I truly have no control over it and it will come when it is suppose to. I need to learn how to do this. I feel I am getting better at this acceptance and realization, but I defiantly need improvement.

I have come to the realization of something else, however, and it is something at which most would roll their eyes. I was born with a particular energy. I feel things many do not feel. I feel things very strongly not only within my own body, but also outside of my own being. I think I can sometimes sense when bad things are going to happen. I can actually sometimes FEEL what another person is feeling. I think it is referred to as being an empath of sorts. I am still learning about this side of myself and so far, I have seen it only as a drag to say the least. But I think it is a very possible reason for my unexplained ‘spells’. Not the anxiety, but the strange days of complete fear, doom, and physical discomfort. I will give you a couple examples.

The day before 9/11, I laid on the bathroom floor throwing up and crying. I was in a very deep depression and was physically sick. It was completely out of nowhere and completely unexplained. I called the Dr. and made an appt for the next day, thinking perhaps I was pregnant. On my way to the Dr. I was listening to the radio when the planes hit the World Trade Center. At that moment, that feeling of doom and sickness simply lifted away. I was so very sad of course about the whole tragedy, but it was like everyone else’s sadness. Not the deep sorrow I was feeling the day previous.

The night the miners in Virginia died in the collapsed mine, I had this same feeling. Along with it was vertigo, which I had never experienced in my life, and trouble breathing fully. I was also suddenly extremely fatigued. I laid in bed all night. The next morning I had heard that the men had died.

There have been a number of instances like this. Sure it could all be coincidence. But I am keeping a journal from now on to keep track of these strange occurrences. My mom suggested last night that perhaps I was feeling the way I was last night because something bad was going to happen, perhaps to someone else. And even though I have been effected by this woman’s death, it cannot be the explanation for yesterday's feelings because she died last week. So, who knows.

Anyway, this blog obviously went askew. I apologize.

My condolences go out to the Christiansen and Zanis families. I feel such sadness for their loss.