To the People in My Life - Thank You

There have been people throughout my life who have made a big impact in one way or another. I would like to take this time to thank these people. Undoubtedly, I will leave some people out as my memory isn't what it once was...but as I think of them, I will update this blog. For the most part, this list is in no particular order...



My husband, Charlie Geyer - Thank you for loving me the way I am. Thank you for your loyalty. Thank you for being a wonderful and responsible provider for your family. Thank you for your unending integrity. Thank you for being a great father. Thank you for accepting that I am not perfect. Thank you for your honesty and your devotion. Thank you for your love.

My daughter, Cassidy Rosita Geyer - Thank you for showing me what true, unconditional love really is. Thank you for your beautiful smiles and your sweet kisses. Thank you for making me smile even on my worst of days. Thank you for reminding me that life is always worth living and living well.

My mother, Becky DeGroot - Thank you for being the best mom you could be. I have been difficult through the years as I am sure many daughters are, but you have always loved and wanted what was best for me. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my parent when I was a child and for being my best friend as an adult.

My father, Edward 'Marty' Jocius - Thank you Dad for teaching me how short and precious our lives truly are. Thank you for your humor and wit. Thank you for watching over me as I truly believe you to be.

My stepfather, Randy DeGroot - Thank you for always being there when I need you. Thank you for helping me when I need it the most. Thank you for taking care of us all of these years. Thank you for being more of a father than our own father. Thank you for caring for us and loving us.

My step daughter, Mackenzie Eileen Geyer - Thank you for teaching me that it is possible to love and care for a child that is not of blood relation. Thank you for teaching me that patience is an important virtue to learn. Thank you for teaching me that we all need to be silly sometimes.

My brother, Chad Jocius – Thank you for bringing my beautiful niece into the world. Thank you for not completely beating the crap out of me when we were kids. Thank you for your honesty and support when it is needed the most.

My niece, Leia Jocius - Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for being so darn cute and lovable. I will always always be here for you.

My grandmother, Rose Byrd – Thank you for taking care of us and helping out my mother. Thank you for teaching me manners and how to clean. Thank you for hugging me and saying I love you that last time I saw you before you died. Thank you for watching over me.

My grandmother, Betty Berger – Thank you for all of your humor. Thank you for your openness and bluntness. Thank you for taking us to the pumpkin farm and Browns Lake when we were kids. Thank you for being fun. Thank you for watching over me.

Jack Plate – Thank you for seeing in me what I have wished for so long for people to see…even myself. Thank you for reminding me that I do have good qualities and have the capability of living a true authentic and meaningful life. Thank you for so so much.

My aunt, Sally Manzo – Thank you for keeping in touch from so far away after so many years. Thank you for letting me have that connection to my father’s family. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

My uncle, Mike Jocius – Thank you for trying to keep a bond with us. Thank you for not losing touch with us despite the actions of our father.

Tony ‘Ruben’ Serrano – Thank you for being my best friend for so so long. We have come in and out of each other’s lives so many times, but even after years I always feel comfortable with you. Thank you for your humor. Thank you for your sensitivity and your sarcasm. I miss you.

My ex-boyfriend, Jiro Kaisserlian – Thank you for being my first 'true' love. Thank you for helping me through the death of my father. Thank you for being a loyal and honest boyfriend for 3 years. Thank you for becoming a lasting fond memory I will have with me always. You will always be a part of me.

Kim Emmrich – Thank you for being such an honest and open minded friend to me. And even though our friendship seems to have faded, know I will always be here for you and will always appreciate the many times you were there for me.

Jodi Belland – Thank you for being not only a sister in law, but a friend for a long, long time. We did not always see eye to eye, but we were like sisters that way and I miss you. Also, thank you for Leia.

Paige Putning-Kuypers – Thank you for being such a good friend for all those years. We had so many good times and when I think about some of the happiest moments in my life, you were there. Thank you for coming such a long way to be in my wedding and thank you for always being YOU.

Laura Garner – I have not seen you in over 10 years. Thank you for being one of the best friends I ever had. I often think about if you were still around, how we would be so close now. I miss you and hope one day to find out where the hell you are!

Brian Anderson – Thank you for re-connecting with me after so long. Thank you for being one of the very few people who actually take the time to read my writing. Thank you for being the friend you were all those years ago.

Chris Lay – Thank you for giving me some very fond memories. Thank you for putting a smile on my face every time I hear the song Daydream Believer. Thank you for those long late night phone conversations. And don’t forget…30 years…Bingo…be there!

My mother in law, Nancy Burke – Thank you for teaching me tolerance. Thank you for teaching me that I cannot change people and that I do not need to. Thank you for helping me realize that what others think of me really doesn’t even matter. And thank you for all the beautiful photographs of our children.

Mark Thomas – Thank you for remembering my birthday those years when I was very lonely. Thank you for always having my best interest at heart. Thank you for the fun times and those too cute smiles.

Eric Schoene – Thank you for being my partner in my first real relationship. Thank you for being there with me when we were both learning our lessons the hard way. Thank you for always, no matter what state our relationship was in, making me feel pretty. There will always be a place for you in my heart. Honk honk..ding ding.

Steve Schoene – You probably don’t even remember, but years ago you showed me some wonderful acts of kindness. I will never forget this and often want to write you expressing my gratitude. Not only did you lend me the money to pay my phone bill, but you rode that scary Milwaukee bus with me all the way into the straight up ghetto to pay it. You treated me very kindly when I was in a dark time and you never made me feel like a loser because of it – please know, it will never be forgotten.

Kevin Neurenberger - Speaking of acts of kindness...there has probably never been a sweeter kinder person ever in my life. I so regret the way I let our friendship sift thru my fingers like golden sand. I miss you emmensly and can only hope for a day when you will reappear into my life. You were there for me during such gloomy times. You treated me far better than I ever deserved. Thank you, Kevin, please never think for a moment I have forgotten your hugs and kind words.

Phil Gister - I want to thank you for giving me something/someone to care about during a time in my life I cared about close to nothing. Thank you for reminding me that we sometimes do get second chances in this life. When you were in your accident, I was so truly worried about you and your future. You brought back to me a compassion I thought I had lost. I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I hope you take complete and full advantage of this second chance you have been given.

As I said, I am leaving people out. And I will continue to fill in the missing ‘thank yous’ as they come to me. This blog will be an ongoing tribute to the people who have made my life what it is today and what it will become. There is a special place in my heart for all of you.

I No Longer Have a Home

I no longer have a home. The city in which I have lived my entire 31 years has become a place I am ashamed to call home. This city has become a cauldron of heartless drones. This city is filled with people who would rather save a penny then save a life. This city has had its heart turn to stone and its soul sold to the highest bidder. I no longer have a home.

A terrible thing happened this week. Please see the following link for details and comments people have made on this story. The comments made seem to be a reflection of the muck this city has become. The comments have me reeling in disgust for my neighbors.

http://www.journaltimes.com/nucleus/index.php?itemid=3635

People make mistakes in their lives. Id bet that pertains to every one of us. Who, in their young lives especially, have done things which could have pissed off another person, or could have been judged as wrong or even illegal? Now imagine being killed for that mistake.

So many people are trying to get a Concealed Carry Gun Law passed in Wisconsin. Can anyone see how this is going to create a war zone. It is going to turn every individual into police, judges, and even executioners.

I am sad on this cloudy, cold Wisconsin morning. I have a gnawing in the pit of my stomach and a sour taste in my mouth. I no longer have a home.

Color Me Impressed (and Hopeful) - Wisconsin State of the State Address

While listening to Governor Doyle's State of the State speech last night I actually found myself applauding (my 16 month old daughter found that amusing) and even felt a bit choked up at times. Most of what was discussed I find to be so important and I am so hopeful that this is not just a bunch of excitable pipe dreams. Below is a list of topics he outlined in his speech (list from AP found on http://http://www.duluthsuperior.com/mld/duluthsuperior/13648355.htm ) and my thoughts on each of them:


Creating a new health insurance program for children called BadgerCare Plus. The effort would merge 500,000 individuals currently enrolled in three different programs into one.

As I understood it, he is proposing a healthcare plan where families of all incomes can CHOSE to enroll for their CHILDREN. He claims that he believes no child should ever be without health insurance. I, of course, believe this as well.


Creating a large, low-cost insurance pool for Wisconsin employers designed to address the cost of catastrophic care.

I think this is a wonderful idea. Horrible things happen to people from all walks of life. This will cut insurance costs for employers which will in turn benefit employees and our communities. Lack of jobs, outsourcing, and high premiums can all begin to be addressed by solutions such as this one.


A new financial aid package for college. Wisconsin eighth-graders who sign a pledge agreeing to maintain at least a B average in high school, take certain courses and stay out of trouble would be eligible. If they go to a public Wisconsin school, the state would guarantee them grants, loans and work-study jobs to pay cover the cost of tuition.

Again, I think this is great. Students and parents will all have to be accountable in order to receive these benefits. College has become almost a necessity in this country and it needs to be affordable. And students need to start seeing it as not only a possibility, but as their goal, starting from an early age.


An expansion of Wisconsin's Family Care program, which provides long-term, community based support for low-income seniors and the disabled. Services range from the meal delivery to help administering medications. Doyle has touted it as a cheaper alternative to putting seniors into nursing homes.

I didn't even realize how much of a problem this was. I never, thank God, have had to think about this. But one day, it could be likely that I will. Many elderly and disabled are living in outrageously expensive Nursing Homes when less expensive solutions could be made available. They can live more independent lives while still getting the care they need and deserve.


An initiative aimed at helping Wisconsin capture 10 percent of the stem cell research market by 2015. Doyle plans to direct the Department of Commerce to spend $5 million to recruit companies that find practical applications for stem cell research. The initiative includes efforts to promote Wisconsin as a leader in the field.

Here is where I actually applauded in my own living room. I thought "This man has got some balls!" Many faces in that room in Madison did not look pleased, but the ones that did were hooting and hollering!! And I am hooting and hollering right along with them. I believe Doyle's quote was "Politics will not get in the way of curing diseases." I just wish our federal government was so clear minded.


$6 million to help people with rising heating costs. The effort would give 30,000 Wisconsin families an average of $200 in state heating bill assistance this year.

This is for families who make 40k or less a year. So, while it still leaves me with a high heating bill and no assistance, I applaud this. This can help so many people. And lets face it, they need it more than I do. He also is asking for this to be an emergency action to go into effect asap so that people can be helped right NOW!


$9.5 million in private venture capital for startup businesses in northeastern Wisconsin that has been deemed the "New North."

Great!! New jobs..Who could argue with that??


A tax credit for poor parents working at least 35 hours a week designed to ensure their incomes meet the federal poverty level of $19,350 for a family of four. The credit would cost the state $22 million in revenue in its first year, helping an estimated 9,000 families with 26,000 children.

The most important part of this 'poor parents working at least 35 hours a week' !! This is NOT a hand out to baby poppers sitting on their asses day in and day out. This is for hard working parents trying to make a decent life for their families! One of the biggest problems in this community is the fact that children are being raised in hopelessness. This breeds crime. Helping these families will benefit ALL of us and will keep people working because it won't be more beneficial to collect welfare and state aid. As Doyle said (or something to the effect), 'There is no state aid better than a good paying job.'


Outlawing the practice of "health care dumping." Doyle said profitable companies such as Wal-Mart should not deliberately manipulate their benefits so that employees qualify for state-funded programs such as BadgerCare.

This is a no-brainer. Shame on them.


He also mentioned starting a 4 year old kindergarten program. This is such a great idea. Not only a four year olds more than ready, getting an earlier start will only encourage their social and learning growth. Also, this will really help working parents who are struggling to pay for the high cost of child care. What a fabulous idea.

If you read my blogs, you know how I feel about gas rates and the abusive oil companies. Doyle is just as pissed as I am and is working hard at taking on these seemingly untouchable corporations.

To this day I refuse to consider myself a democrat or republican. While I lean towards the democrat philosophies because they tend to put people before the mighty dollar, I also agree with my republican friends about ridiculous hand outs to unproductive citizens. I support gay marriage, abortion rights, and other liberal plights. But I also feel that civil liberties are being taken advantage of and ballooned to unnecessary proportions at the expense of the majority. While I still refuse to consider myself a Democrat. I fully support Governor Doyle. His views on education, stem cell research, and healthcare are just a few of the reasons he is clearly doing (or trying to do) what is best for our state and ultimately, our country.

Munich (2005) - A Review and a Learning Experience

"It costs dearly, but home always does," said by Mathieu Amalric who played Louis in Steven Spielberg 'Munich' is all telling and should have been the bi-line for this film.

Entering the theatre I knew nothing of the subject. I was born in 1974 and have literally never heard a single thing about this tragic event. Perhaps that disabled my experience, perhaps it assisted me in watching from a fresh perspective, I am not sure. Not being a historian by any means and not being well-educated in the plights of our fellow humans on the other side of the world, this movie taught me an abundance of what I should have already learned years ago.

Spielberg, being an obvious Jewish supporter, I thought this work would have been much more biased. Instead he beautifully and intellectually demonstrated that all involved are human at their very core and are all simply fighting out of loyalty and love of home. Neither side was portrayed as monsters, heartless terrorists or simple assassins. We, as spectators, were able to sympathize with the entire situation.

This movie was phenomenally acted, beautifully written, and the direction was executed in Speilberg's usual magical essence.

I believe that this world was meant to have no boundaries. We were all meant to have a home, and that home is simply earth. Land is that on which we walk, I do not believe it is what makes us who we are. So much torment, death, and destruction in the name of Land, Home, and God. It is so sad when what we all need to realize is that belongs to each of us in our hearts, not below our feet.

A Quick Goodnight

I did see Munich Today. But I need sometime to really think about the whole story before writing my review. I will write about it tomorrow.

Not much to say tonight as I am exhausted and the monkey child will be up at the crack of dawn, so off to bed I go.

Good night world.

King Kong (2005) - A Review

Before reading this review of Peter Jackson’s King Kong (2005), it is important to know a few things about me in order to understand the significance of some of my points.
First of all, I have never, ever, even once in my life seen any version, new or old, of King Kong. I never read any books about it, comics, magazines, nothing whatsoever. I knew some of the basics…big giant ape somehow ends up in New York, falls for a blonde chic, and he ends up dying on top of the Empire State Building. Basically, that is all I knew.
Secondly, I never have seen any of The Lord of the Rings movies and know absolutely nothing of them or Peter Jackson’s talent beside the fact that my brother, an incurable dork at heart, has tortured me over and over with his incessant bickering about ‘having’ to see these movies. I will, I will, I promise.
The last thing that bears some significance is the fact that I take drugs…prescriptions for anxiety and a fast heart rate. Both of these drugs not only calm me by blocking adrenaline, but also slow my heart rate considerably. This is only important to know due to the fact that during these 3 hours of watching King Kong, my heart raced the entire time regardless of my medicated blood stream.
When I first saw the trailer for this movie, I knew it looked worth watching. I thought it was likely a promising adventure. The effects appeared to be fascinating. I figured I would enjoy it. All of the mentioned proved to be true, and then some…and some…and some…and some. One thing about me I forgot to reveal earlier is the secret of my thimble sized bladder. Yes, I have to pee a lot. You all now know this fun fact about me. Anyway, there was not one single moment during this film that I could have spared 2 minutes to run to the bathroom and whiz. Seriously, this movie was jammed with back to back action and I didn’t want to miss a minute of it.
The breaths in between the adventurous, hair pulling scenes came in the form of basic human…and simian…emotion. When first hearing about a movie where a beautiful woman and an ape fall in love, I thought to myself ‘Okay, WHATEVER!’. But watching the connection, the compassion, and the mutual lonely sadness between the two made so much sense of the ridiculous story. I mean really, what woman doesn’t want someone to protect them despite grave danger? Who wouldn’t crave for someone to stand tall, pound their chest, and scream out “She’s mine!”? And what male wouldn’t dream of a pretty blonde to juggle and dance for him? Really, it all makes perfect sense.
The pure, unadulterated heart from which this movie beats is what makes this one of the best stories ever. The hair-raising, striking, and beautiful direction, editing, and effects made this one of the films ever. Brav-freakin-o!!
There is one more thing I would like to add. I would like to make a formal apology to the guy seated in front of me. I am sure that my snot sniffling sobbing and my long abdominal trying not to cry out loud breaths were quite annoying. For this, I apologize.

Pleading For Reason

The following is a letter I will be sending to The Journal Times as a letter to the editor as well as to all my local/state politicians.
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in regards to the newest approval for Electric and Gas price increase reported Wednesday January 11, 2006. I am pleading for our local and state politicians to take a good hard look at how much this is affecting the average person in Wisconsin. I understand that it may be hard to realize the dramatics of these approvals while holding a six digit salary. But I need to express that these rate increases are going to devastate many people in our communities. Between the rates of electricity, gas, and healthcare, we are going to experience personal financial ruin in this state. While the elite few are lining their pockets with our last dollars, the majority will be suffering. I for one will be sure to vote only for politicians who openly express not only their genuine realization of these problems, but also the ones who demand changes. Republican or democrat, it makes no difference to me. And soon it will make little difference to anyone as long as we see our bank accounts dwindle to nothingness.
Last month my WE Energies bill was $296. I have a 1200 sq ft home. We purchased a new furnace in the fall and put added insulation into our home. We have taken many steps to be energy savvy. Yet, our bills rise and rise to ridiculous proportions. We are able to get by on a month to month (paycheck to paycheck) basis fairly comfortably. But that not only will not last for long, I can’t imagine how many others will financially survive at all.
Something has to be done, plain and simple. And I, for one, want to know what our representatives and politicians are doing about these out of control predicaments. I want to know who will be the ones to stand up against our current administration who are simply allowing this abuse to continue and escalate.

Watch Arrested Development

For two seasons I have looked forward to and enjoyed every episode of "Arrested Development" - on Fox Sundays at 7:30 central. I have been hearing vicous rumors of its cancellation. Like a punch in the gut, this leaves me feeling irked. And the thing is, I know exactly why this may happen. Stupid people. Yes, once again the stupid people of America are ruining my freakin day.
Arrested Development is truly one of the most clever, brightest, freshest shows I have seen in years. I simply cannot think of a sitcom that has made me almost pee such as this one. The humor these writers pocess is so multi layered. I cannot believe their heads do not explode from all that talent. On the surface, the show has almost this slapstick, goofy type of humor. But to the audience member who is payng a bit more attention, the wit is much deeper and shrewd than the average viewer. This is why I believe the show is not being watched. I think people don't 'get it' for all that it is. People arent paying attention.
PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE! Turn off the WB...quit watching those retarded teeny bopper soap operas...and do you really need to see another decapitated corpse being autopsied?
Give thought a chance.
Let your brain laugh.
Watch Arrested Development.
Thank you.

Fast Food Tax

Here is a story from USA Today to give you some back ground.
http://http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-05-08-detroit-tax_x.htm
Now, how I feel. This man is brilliant. So much of this proposal makes sense and can do a whopper of good for the community. Sorry, couldn't resist.
We all know that fast food is not a necesity. Not only is it not a necessity, but it is virtually a toxic wolf in sheeps clothing preying on the weak taste buds of our cities. The statisics prove that people are more obese and unhealthy than ever. I think there are many reasons for this and fast food is certainly one of them. Now eating a Big Mac once every couple months isn't going to make a difference to your health. Eating one everyday, that will. Cigarettes are taxed. Alcohol is taxed. Why not fast food? Like the lottery, this could bring much needed money to our cities. Recently in Racine, a school referendum was denied. Because of this, it is likely that all high school sports will be cancelled. Voters refuse to pay for the needs of the schools through property taxes. Well, in this particular area, why not have a portion of this fast food tax allocated to help schools with their rising costs?
Since we are sort of on topic, I would like to mention that I think it is ridiculous that you have to pay out of the nose to eat healthy in this country. And on the other token, eating junk is more than significantly cheaper. Lean meats, produce, whole grains...they have outrageous costs. Big Mac, Whopper, Frosty...less than a buck. And we wonder why poverty stricken people are often obese? Duh.
We need to straighten out some priorities. We need to implement common sense into the fabric of our government, laws, and policies. I think every city should look into this proposal and follow Detroits example. Whether is causes a deterant to eating as much fast food or simply brings higher revenues to our communities, what's the worst that could happen? Either way, we win.

A Few Praises

I often find myself watching tv and movies and listening to music when I am alone. Usually, I do these things while Cassidy naps during the day. This gives me a chance to give my undivided attention, but also leaves me feeling a need to share in the experience when it is a moving one. I wanted to give a few examples of these moving entertainment experiences in this entry.
Damien Rice's "O" CD is the first of these honorable mentions. I can literally listen to this CD over and over, something I have never been able to tolerate, and feel the music each time. The guitar is mezmorizing. His voice is classically seducing. The songwriting is envy inspiring. There are a couple songs that bring tears to my eyes with a smile on my face ~ almost like the rainbow in a storm. I can listen to this CD when I am feeling demolished and somehow end up restored. I can listen when I am in my best of moods and be reminded why. I cannot imagine anyone not liking this CD. But more importantly, if you are a true music lover, I defy you to not fall in love with it.
At his website you can hear live streams...check it out...
http://www.damienrice.com/
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House. Strange name for a television show I thought at first. Wasn't particularly interested. But I watched it anyway. Loved it from the first five minutes and haven't missed an episode since. I had given up most dramatic shows, epecially medically based ones. They seem to provoke my anxiety and up until now, it simply wasn't worth it (cough, cough...ER). I don't care if I have to pop a sedative before watching. This show is fabulous and never disappointing. The writing is very intelligent. Hugh Laurie is officially my new TV boyfriend. It is medically and humanly interesting. I love a show that can make you cry and laugh and learn all in the matter of an hour. Watch it. Seriously. I mean it. NO REALLY...watch it!!
http://www.fox.com/house/
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I saw the movie Crash this past weekend. I don't think it is much of a secret that this movie is pretty great. It is one of those everyone and everything is connected kind of movies..like Altman's Short Cuts and 13 Conversations About the Same Thing. But this one is blanketed with the topic of race relations. It is brutal, honest, and real. When you think you know what is going to happen, it swirves and goes another direction. It leaves you feeling embaressed and enlightened - or at least, it should. It is now out on DVD. Give it a rent.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375679/combined

As I Barf Into an Oil Drum

Writing will come slowly to me today as I am as close to speachless as I can get. In hearing the latest reports about the windfall profits made by Exxon this past quarter, I am apalled. Yes, certainly companies are suppose to make a profit. That is the whole point of consumerism and the basis of this dollar sign emblemed country. I get it. But when these profits are inflating (more like exploding) the pockets of a slight few while the remaining 99% of the country are digging for pennies under their car seats...something is terribly wrong.
Call it liberal propaganda if you like, though I have never been much of a self proclaimed liberal, there is a bigger picture here that obviously needs to be explained slowly and in small words for the Bushie followers who seem to not understand. Here's a little bedtime story for your sleepy cowboys....
Bush grew up with Uncle Exxon and Cousin Shell buying him lavish Christmas gifts and ponies on his birthday. When he grew up, he got to work with these fun lovin' Texan buddies...thanks to Daddy of course. On holidays and special occasions the Bushes like to roll around in oil stained money, just for fun. Yeeee HA!! Wait..there's a bunch of oil over there with the camels and sand?? You mean, its not all in Texas and Alaska? Well, I'll be. We better go over there and get some control of that dontcha think?? I mean, those people are all a bunch of nuts who kill each other anyway...we'll just tell people they are a threat to us. We'll call it our patriotic duty. Yea, dad screwed it up the first time..but this time we have 9/11 to exploit. 2000 dead. Boy, they sure are sorry. But it is for a good cause, don't forget...we must stop terrorism. Not to mention this war is making BILLIONS of dollars for their dear dear friends. So, daddy Bush, little Bush, quiet Cheney, Uncle Exxon, and Cousin Shell all go to the Halloween Ball. Their costumes, so telling...Chandler, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe. They dance all night, celebrating their neverending dollars. And just as they are about to howl at the moon...millions of parents get ready to leave for their 2nd jobs in hopes to pay this month's heating bill...another soilder gets wounded in hopes to secure our egocentric nation...another car dies on the freeway because it's owner couldn't scrape together enough gas money...but really, who cares..right?
What is happening here is nothing short of economic rape. Please, explain to me why this is okay.

Alternatives to Jail Expansion

A Letter I wrote to the Editor of the TJT...
I believe that instead of putting that money into a jail expansion, it would make better economic sense to put those funds towards a greater solution. We need to look at the big picture here.
We need programs that will instill the values that seem to be lacking in our community. Parents need to be held responsible for their young children’s behavior and education. There are many parents that need to learn how to instill pride, self respect, good judgment, confidence, and integrity into their children. Parents need to be held accountable. We need to develop resources that will help parents do this. We need realistic affordable family counseling. What I mean by realistic is counseling services without a 3 month waiting period. Parenting and education are at the fundamental core of creating a positive community. It has to start at the beginning.
Many of the offenders taking up space in the jails and prisons are there because of addiction, in one way or another. Either they are dealers supplying the addicts, addicts committing crimes to gain their drug of choice, or committing crimes while under the influence. This community needs a realistic inpatient treatment facility that is affordable to those from all walks of life. There are many empty buildings in this city wasting away. Take one of these buildings, hire experienced professionals, and begin to treat one of the roots of our community’s problems. Downtown business owners are so appalled by the presence of homeless people adorning their precious Main Street. Perhaps they can help provide grants to this treatment center to help these people get back on their feet. I do not think people understand what it costs for a patient who is uninsured to get addiction treatment. They simply expect them to get over it. Or even more so, people simply do not care. We bury our heads in the sand and pass judgment. What does that solve? These people need serious rehabilitation and I think we can all agree this does not exist in the jail system.
We need to keep jobs here at home. We need to vote for politicians who will fight against our jobs being outsourced to other countries. We need our local businesses to hire on employees instead of keeping “temporary” employees for years and years with no benefits or opportunities for advancement. We need to reward local companies who really make a contribution to hiring local citizens. And we need to penalize companies who practice otherwise.
People do not want to seem to look at the entire vision. It is all connected. We are all connected. This is a community and the problems and issues of one family seep throughout the entire population. Everyone at one time or another is affected by the ripples created by another. The crime in this city will not subside until the roots of these issues are addressed and dealt with: addiction, joblessness, lack of positive parenting, and lack of self respect and pride. We need a willingness to put the money and the manpower into programs that will chip away at the actual problems, not just their symptoms.

What Would You Do?

What would you do
If you saw the real me
Would you run would you laugh
Would you climb up a tree

What would you say
If I told you my story
Would you stammer or stutter
Would you slam down a forty

Maybe you’d smile
Kiss and hug me too
Maybe you’d shrug
Because you already knew

Maybe you’d say
That you’ll love me forever
Maybe you’d sigh
And say Oh Whatever

Will you ever know me
Do you even care
Would you accept the damage
Or not see it there

For now I will let you
Ask of what only you wonder
Perhaps less is more
So I will prevent a blunder

Like it or Not

Distorted reflections, mistaken beliefs
Am I empty or just to full to feel
This isn’t who I thought Id become
I didn’t sign up for this deal

So much for me to be grateful
I am thankful for all I’ve been given
But something inside is missing
That passion that once had me driven

I want to open my eyes
And become fully aware
That this is my life like it or not
There is no such thing as fair

I need to take what I have
And make it the most
And realize to this life of mine
I am the only host

I need to live in the moment
Worry not of the future, forget the past
I need to let the river carry me
And shed this cumbersome mast

Introducing myself
To this world as just me
Its good enough for you
So I will just let it be

Oh Motherhood

I wake in the morning
rubbing the crust from my eyes
I drag out of bedand
squeeze into a bra half my size

How can it be morning
Didn't I JUST go to bed
I will take a nap today
Ha, not easier done than said

I look in the mirror
with a scowl and a grunt
step on the scale
and give it a furious punt

I walk into the baby's room
with one eye half shut
I take a wiff to smell
her nasty little butt

Then she looks at me
with that toothless grin
as if to say
Where have you been?

She giggles and squeels
and blows a few bubbles
And I think to myself, boy
I can get used to these troubles.

Ive never been so
exhausted,fat, and energy depleted
I've never felt so loved
content, warm, and needed

For what she takes
I get back ten fold
So its all very worth it
even if I feel 80 years old

Forever Baby

How do you grow
An inch everyday
My god my arms hurt
How much do you weigh

One year ago you were
Still in my belly
Now like a big girl
You’re eating toast and jelly

Wasn’t it yesterday
I rocked you to sleep
You laid in your swing
Without making a peep

Can I somehow stop time
Can’t I please press pause
Let’s just live in the moment
It’s for a good cause

I need every frame
To sink in and last
Because the way time flies
Right now is the past

Whether you crawl or walk
Whatever age you may be
I will always be mama
And you’re forever baby

Would It Kill Ya To Smile??

Names have been changed to protect the miserable.
"(garble garble)...This is Kristie McCrabby"
"Oh, I am so sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number."
Click.
Okaaaaaaaaaay. Have a nice day happy friendly dog face.
What is wrong with people? Everywhere I turn there is a grumpy expression, a rude response, and exasperated sighs. Is EVERYone miserable? I walk past a distant neighbor and smile. All I get in return is a scowl. I hold a door for a woman at the store, not even a thank you nod. If I need a door opened for me, forget it! Woman with a baby, come on, chivalry is not only dead it is decomposed and wreeking! Apparently so is common courtesy and simple friendliness.
Perhaps these people need to learn the effects of a smile. Smiling can actually produce endorphines that make you feel better. And it is clear that these people need SOMEthing to help them feel better. Smile or take a pill...do some freaking thing because you are bummin me out.
Not only that but it effects others as well....
... Gal A gets a smile from Guy B. Gal A decides to smile at Lady C. Lady C was having a really bad day. She was thinking all people were trolls. She was obviously on the phone with the insurance company all morning. Lady C starts to feel better. She puts a dollar in the MS jar at the store. Cashier D put that jar there in dedication to her sister's plight. This was the first dollar to make its way into the jar. Cashier D finally feels she may be able to make a difference. She goes on to start a local charity organization which will eventually bring in 250k each year to the MS Foundation. Guy B is later cured of his MS because of stem cell research that was made possible by Cashier D's organziation...
The ripples of making the slighest kind gesture can make waves down the shore.
So smile damnit.

Creative Starvation

It is like my body and mind are craving something that I cannot see. Something that I am not doing that I should be doing and my mind is retaliating with anxieties. I have these ideas that I never fulfill. Whether it is being lazy or a complete lack of knowledge, I just continue to sit here and WAIT for something to come to me.
I had the idea of creating a documentary about people who go to visit cemeteries. Or about graveyards in general. Nothing dark or scary, but more of a personal glimpse at the lives and motivations of the people who visit their loved ones, the people who work in cemeteries, and even a glimpse into the lives of the deceased. It would consist of interviews with these people (not the dead ones of course – they are usually pretty shy), backgrounds, shots of interesting or humorous headstones…stuff like that. I wanted to call it Epitaph.
I also had an idea about writing a book about this man in Wisconsin, Steven Avery. He was in prison for something like 18 years for a rape before evidenced proved his innocence of the crime and he was set free. There were then stories in the media about how this poor man lived in a small ice fishing shack because he had no money and his life was taken away. I remember seeing these stories and feeling so badly for him. Today, he is being charged with the rape and murder of a young Wisconsin woman. Tell me there isn’t an interesting story here.
Someone else mentioned something to me about making a documentary about the loads of people trying to save the show Arrested Development, a show about a parody documentary. I know this could be very funny and challenging.
But I look at these ideas and doubts fill my mind. Reality fills my mind. Lack of education, no disposable money what so ever, lack of free time, no movie making skills or equipment…there see…mind is now flooded with reasons to continue sitting on my ass.
Maybe, just maybe someday something will kick me – will give me that jolt I need to go out there and do what my spirit is calling for. Maybe I already am. Perhaps I was MEANT to simply be a mother and a wife..a cook and a cleaner..a person with ideas and no ambition. Maybe just maybe I am SUPPOSE to be bored and anxious. Ya think?

Authentically You

Oh to be one. When you want something you scream. When you are frustrated you yell. When you poop you cry. When you don’t want anymore you throw a Cheerio at someone’s head. Oh to be one. That straight up sincerity. That bold honesty afraid of nothing and no one. What I wouldn’t give to scream, yell, cry, and throw a bagel at someone. Pure authenticity.
Have you ever imagined what it would be like to say exactly what you want whenever you want? Have you ever imagined a world that would allow for such expression, such honestly?
But we cannot be this way in a society. We need to be civil at all times. Politically correct, reserved, and mainstream. We need to be aware and considerate of the feelings of others. Can authenticity exist with consideration and a caution for other’s feelings? I propose it can.
If you have something to say, say it to that person. If you have a true criticism, it would be best served addressing it directly, would it not? Do not gossip.
If you don’t want to attend a party, just say so. Don’t just not show up. Be honest.
If you feel someone has been mean or disrespectful to you, let them know that you deserve more than that. Let them know you will not quietly bow your head and shuffle away. Speak up.
When you speak to someone, do it with respect and dignity. Speak to them as though you are speaking to yourself. And speak to yourself with that same thoughtfulness. They are no more important than you. And you, no more important than them.
Offer a hand when it is needed. Apologize when you have done wrong. Show gratitude for all you have been given. Cry when you are sad. Laugh when you are happy. Dance when you hear music. Enjoy silence. And sing when the world gets a little too quiet.
Be you. We are all a work in progress. Just make sure that there is always progress being made.
Be authentic. Be one. And watch out for those Cheerios.

Goodbye Daddy

He was born in 1952 to an alcoholic mother and father. He lived in Wisconsin for a while and then moved to Alaska with his family including 2 brothers and 2 sisters, though he was the oldest. His father died when he was only in his teens. When he was a young man, about 16 or so he hitchhiked his way back to Wisconsin to live with his aunt. A futile attempt at escape. In his young life he lived through family addiction, repeated surgeries (one of which leaving him in a body cast for months), the death of his father, and running away as far as he knew he could.
He married my mother at the age of 20. She was 18. I was born in 1974 and my brother in 1976. Back in Wisconsin, they did their best to create a family and a sense of normalcy. But my father's issues simply would not allow that to happen. He was anxiety ridden, depressed, a perpetual child. He hated work and would do almost anything to avoid it. He was a complete narcasist, self centered to the core. Though he loved his children and his wife, his own incapacity to grow kept him from what he wanted most. They divorced when I was about 7.
He remarried a few years later. We would see him off and on through the years. Sometimes entire years would go by with no word from him what so ever. Not a birthday card. Not a phone call. Then he'd pop back in for a while. And the whole time I would defend him to the tee. I would cry tears of joy when I finally saw him. And cry my eyes out when he'd drop us back off because I never knew if I'd see him again. There were nights waiting by the window. Sweating in my warn hooded winter coat. Watching the clock, watching the street, with a knot in my stomach everytime I heard a car approach. To this day, I hate waiting. Cannot tolerate it in the slightest. By the time I was about 16 I had had enough. I wasn't going to be yo-yo'd any longer. I avoided talking to him. I wouldn't see him, even on the holidays. Once in a while I'd answer a call or go for a visit, but not very often. After all, it took a long time to build that wall. Alot of energy went into protecting myself. There was no way I would allow anyone to infiltrate my shield, especially the person who made me build it in the first place.
My father always had an illness or injury of some sort. Countless surgeries for back problems, knee pain, heart blockages, diabetic amputations. You name it. This went on his entire life. It is almost as though he wanted to be saved. It was almost like he created his own illnesses. He certainly didn't take care of himself. He didn't take the doctor's advice. So he wasn't the one to save himself. Maybe he wanted to be rescued. Taken care of because he had never been taken care of as a child. To me, he seemed wounded yet coated in armor. He always thought he was dying, yet he never did. So obviously, in my mind, he never would. Until the day he actually did.
My stepmother called and told us he wasn't doing well. That perhaps we should come up to the hospital where he had been for the prior week or so. My brother, his girlfriend, and I decided to go. I hadn;t seen him in a long time and was very nervous. Not because I thought he was dying, but because of my guilt. It was 2 days after his 46th birthday. I had sent him a rose and a couple balloons. Not sure why, I hadn't sent anything previous years. They were still in his room when we arrived. He was certainly not well. He looked ghostly and he was not thinking completely clearly. He was able to eat his dinner and even complained there wasn't more. He and I were in the room alone as he drank his coffee and sat in the chair. A nurse or tech of some sort came in just to check his IV or something when I noticed he was breathing very strangly. I asked her, "Is something wrong?" She looked as confused as I was. I said kind of loudly, "Dad...Dad..." Something wasn't right. I could feel it. Fear and calm at the same time...is there such a thing? The next thing I knew I was wisked into the adjacent room. His nurse came in and told us that the doctors were doing their "final check". My step mom asked through tears, "Is he gone?" And the nurse simply said yes. I just remember repeating the word 'No' and crying. How did this happen? I want answers. I want reasons. But they are to never be heard.
This was 8 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't wish so much that I would have taken those phone calls. That I would have visited him, even when it seemed he didn't want me to. Though the guilt has faded in time, I doubt it will ever cease. I should have been the one to give him a reason to live. I should have tried to help him. I should have been the one to rescue him. Instead I was stubborn, angry, and full of self pity.
I would love so much to call my dad today. To introduce him to his wonderful granddaughter. To ask him about cooking secrets. To watch The Sopranos with him. So much lost. So many moments that could have been shared. He didn't even know me.
I am sorry Dad. I am sorry I wasn't there for you. I am sorry you were in so much pain for so long.
I forgive you Dad. I forgive you for abandoning me. I forgive you for thinking only of yourself. I forgive you for making me feel guilty when I was only a kid doing the best I knew how. I forgive you for leaving before I had a chance to really know you. I forgive you for leaving before you could know me. I forgive you for leaving a mess in my head. I forgive you for dying, Dad. I love you. Good bye.

Introducing Cassidy - A Birth Story

After about 2 hours of sleep tops, I dragged out of bed. There were jumping monkeys in my stomach and a boulder in my throat. My nerves were so high, the hairs were standing up on my arms. We didn't have to be to the hospital until about 9:00am, so we decided to get ready and head to Denny's for breakfast. That was to be my last meal for about 35 hours. I had one poached egg and nibbled at my toast. I wanted to eat, but my stomach wouldn't let me. Boy, would I regret that later.
Baby was 2 weeks late. Doctor decided to induce me on the September 15th. That was my Grandma Rose's birthday, so sounded like a good day. I didn't mind being pregnant and wasn't in all that much of a rush to deliver. She was very easy to take care of in there. No screaming. She let me sleep. And I ate all the M&Ms I wanted (another regret I would have in the future). But alas, the day had come. She had to come out whether we liked it or not.
We got to the hospital and had to wait in a small room as they prepared my labor and delivery room. We watched tv as I tried to calm myself. We walked the halls, hoping to spark some dialation which hadn't happened as of yet. We finally got all settled in the room where I would be for the next 29 hours. Right away they inserted (yes, inserted) a tablet called cytotec to begin the dialation. My mom and stepdad had arrived and we all played cards and watched tv. Charlie, my husband, ran home to get some things we had forgotten. Not quite 2 hours after the 'insertion' I started getting really bad cramps. Contractions I suppose they were. One right on top of another. They came fast and strong. By the time Charlie got back to the hospital I was asking for something for the pain. I was still not dialated worth a damn, so they didn't want to give me an epidural yet. Apparently they were too busy stirring the cauldren and cackeling at my severe pain. (Most of the staff were actually very nice...but a few in the beginning just seemed to refuse to believe how much pain I was in). They brewed up some stadol instead. I got pretty loopy, also pretty nauseated. It didn't touch the pain. I was begging for the epidural. Finally, my Doctor came to check on me. He demanded they give me the epidural and even seemed annoyed that they were refusing me. I finally got the jab in my spine and the relief was unspeakable. I was on cloud nine - hell, ninty nine. I sure thought it was going to be smooth sailing from there. Ha. The calm before the storm. The tease of a lifetime. A cruel joke from the Gods.
I was great for about 3 hours. I felt NOTHING. I watched tv, talked with family, had a few visitors, joked with nurses, and ate some popcicles. I even fell asleep. Charlie, my mom, and me were asleep in the room. Then BAM! The earth opened up and released the evil demons there to torture me. I woke up in the worst pain. It wouldnt stop. It was constant. The epidural stopped working. WHAT? How can this happen? They couldn't figure out why. They even tried giving me a new one. That didn't help. This went on for hours. The pain was so unbearable I think I may have left my body at one point...at least I tried to. They gave me more stadol, but that just made me puke. My water finally broke the next morning and I started pushing. She was stuck and I pushed for at least 6 hours. It was so hard. They kept telling me to do it a certain way. I was just thinking "Listen dog face...unless you wanna trade uteruses right now, shut the &*^%$ up!" I was certain, and I mean certain, that I was going to die. The doctor arrived. I looked him square in the eye and said "You get this out of me now and I mean NOW!" His eyes widened and he said okay. He got the vacuum and about 15 minutes after that she finally came out. She was born at 12:46pm September 16th. Remember, labor started about 11am on the 15th. It was no longer Grandma Rose's birthday, but it was now my Grandma Betty's birthday.
My placenta did not deliver as the pitocin machine quit working. Nice. Could THAT be why I was in labor so long? Who knows. I bled alot. But at that point I didn't care. The pain was over. I even felt the needle where he stitched me up and I didn't care. I had to wear a cathader for the 3 days I was in recovery because I was so traumatized 'down there'. It took a long, long time to heal. They gave me percocet and ibuprofin the whole time I was there. And prescriptions for when I left. All the nurses in recovery were amazed I hadn't had a C-Section. They just kept calling me 'poor thing'. But, it was indeed worth it. I won't do it again anytime soon let me tell ya, and if I did have another I would probably demand a C-Section..but it was worth it.
Baby was perfectly healthy. She didn't sleep much. Too busy crying. Her nose was all crooked and smooshed. And her hands were fisted and always waving. I called her Tyson. My Cassidy. A stubborn fighter from day one.
Happy birthday sweetie. I love you. But, prepare for the guilt.

Jarhead (2005) - A Review

I went to see this movie with great apprehension. Another shoot em up war movie, I thought. But it was the only one showing at the theatre we like that showed an ounce of promise. That ounce quickly flashed into pounds as I sat there fixated on the beautiful editing, the remarkable acting, and the unexplained imagery.
Much like the movie Three Kings, the desert scenes were shot with an endless ability to make sand and nothingness glaring art. Scenes of rolling white sands, gushing pools of black oil, and the distorted waves of heat all lifted the viewers from their cushioned theatre seats to the middle of the arid desert.
The acting by all the major characters was more than compelling, and aside from Peter Sarsgaard whom I was already a fan, also surprising. The shear anger portrayed by Gyllenhaal and the lonely loyalty portrayed by Sarsgaard were heartbreaking and so real. I truly believe that Sarsgaard and Jake Gyllenhaal both deserve Oscar nominations for these performances.
But the one aspect of this film that I find most intriguing and powerful was the absence of useless explanation. This movie went out of its way not to insult the intelligence of its audience. There was much left to our own discovery and introspection. That is what I appreciated most.
Regardless of one’s feelings about war in general or the Gulf Wars in particular, there were impacts made by this film that cannot be denied. The horrifying emotions of soldiers from yesterday and today will likely never be completely understood. But films like Jarhead provide the much needed shed of light on their emotional plights during war and for the rest of their lives. Being able to illuminate these dark realities with comedy and humanity is why I believe Jarhead is one of the best films I have seen in a long, long time.